Modern Drunkard Magazine | Standing Up for Your Right to Get Falling Down Drunk Since 1996.

Say It Loud, Say It Plowed: Scenes from the 2006 MDM Convention

Frank Kelly Rich

Modern Drunkard's Field Guide to Drinking with a Mask

TODAY'S REASON TO DRINK

It’s the 249th anniversary of The Boston Massacre, whereas a group of British soldiers fired their muskets into a mob of American colonists, immediately killing four and wounding seven others, one fatally. The event would be used to great propagandic effect, rallying colonists against the Crown and getting the Revolution cranked up. Now, you’re probably wondering, was alcohol involved? Most likely. Though there would be heroic attempts to whitewash the event, a lot of the mob arrived at the scene by way of local pubs. It was a cold, snowy night in Colonial Boston, and the thing to do during such evenings was to drink in front of a public house’s roaring fireplace. Furthermore, during much of the confrontation, the mob kept telling the soldiers to, “Shoot! Shoot!” Sober people generally don’t act that way. It takes a certain amount of rum to stand in front of a soldier pointing his musket at you and insist he pull the trigger.

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Did You Know? 53

Frank Kelly Rich

Dive Bar Confidential

Frank Kelly Rich

“You’re only as good as the bars they let you drink in.” I don’t remember who muttered those words, or in what dive, or how...

The Finals: Gleason Vs. Bukowski

Frank Kelly Rich

Who's the greatest boozer of all time? Sixteen supreme drunks dove into a sea of booze eight months ago, bent on determining exactly who should...

Cheers! A Short History of the Toast

Max Sparber

As much as we might sling around the phrase “Judeo-Christian,” most of us are pagans at heart. Scratch modernity, find paganism lurking underneath. Take toasts,...

The Six Circles of Hangover Hell

The Staff

1st Circle: The Ducked Bullet No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep was deep and all those carbo-loaded beers have gifted you...

Palace of the Drunkard

Ben Bornstein

Remember running through the streets, drunk on whiskey vomiting from the joint smoked at the taxi queue, stealing newspapers at dawn it was my birthday you were there but— I...

UBF Pamphlet #26: Infiltrating The Drys

Frank Kelly Rich

Taking Back Bacchus

Richard English

Our lives are rooted in context. Our beguilingly adaptive brains make us situational beings. A joke is funny today that wouldn’t be tomorrow or yesterday....

The House of Good Cheer

Barbara Holland

The perennial comic strip “Andy Capp” has recently been banished from the Washington Post as an evil influence, and small wonder. In Andy’s world there...

Blackout Like You Mean It

Benjamin Rohrbaugh

“Dude, I have never laughed as hard as I did last night when you intentionally vomited on that couple in the booth.” “Couple?” “Don’t you remember?...

Modern Drunkard Survival Guide

Frank Kelly Rich

HOW TO SURVIVE AN A.A. MEETING 1.) Do not make eye contact. If you do, make sure your eyes do not flicker toward the flask...

Local Only

Bruce Burrows

It’s a little after ten in the morning on a Saturday, I’ve just retrieved a bucket of ice, and the phone rings. I set the...

What’s the Word? Thunderbird!

Bryan Dent

What's the word? Thunderbird! How's it sold? Good and cold. What's the jive? Bird's alive. What's the price? Thirty twice. —1957 radio jingle Maverick, Silver Satin, Triple Jack:...

Postcards from Skid Row #61

Various

Full moon moonshine Drank got drunk stumbling beneath the blurry pair of pale faced moons. Sip your gloom away the screaming crowd cries swaying. Slouch down in...