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Ask Dr. Buuz-Hund #62

Dear Dr. Buuz-Hund,
My wife and I love going on cruises, but we are retired and are on a limited budget. We notice that we often spend more on our bar tab than the actual cruise. We asked our family doctor if he could maybe write us a prescription for “medicinal” alcohol but he said no. So we were wondering if maybe you could write us one and save us from going broke?
Boozin’ and Cruzin’
Somewhere Warm and Tropical

Dear BnC:
I like the way you think. That’s a very creative idea for getting around the exorbitant cost of drinks aboard. Just imagine if you could waltz up the gangplank, multiple handles of your favorite booze clinking away in your rollaway bag, and when they try and confiscate it, you just wave a prescription under their nose. That would be fantastic. I would gladly write you such a prescription but, due to what I consider a minor misunderstanding, I’ve lost my right to write prescriptions.

Still, there are many other reasonable doctors who will write you a ‘scrip for medicinal alcohol. For example, in dry counties in Alabama, a doctor can write you one for just about any “ailment.” But here’s the rub: 1) You’d have to spend time in a dry county in Alabama. 2) The typical amount you’re prescribed is a pint every 10 days. And just how is that going to help? That tiny amount is just enough to piss you off. 3) It’s an expensive way to go. The doc is going to charge you $40, and you’ll have to fill it at a pharmacy that is going to charge you another $40. True, this would be cheaper than trying to stay buzzed from the watered-down swill they serve you on the boat, but it’s still a pretty expensive way to go.

So let me tell you how Mrs. B-H and I have gotten around this problem. First off, most cruise lines allow you to bring a couple bottles of wine aboard when you first embark. So we buy a couple bottles of cheap white wine with synthetic corks and easily removed/replaced foil. Mrs. B-H makes the wine disappear, in that way that she does, and I carefully re-fill/cork/foil the bottles with rum or other clear booze. So now we are good for Day 1. Next up, we both have hydration backpacks. These little wonders hold at least a handle each. Days 2 to 4 are covered! By then the ship has stopped in some third-world hell-hole tourist trap. We head straight for the nearest liquor store and refill our backpacks.

So there you have it. A proven strategy that will keep you and yours sloshed on a budget. Bon Voyage!

Dear Dr. Buuz-Hund:
What kind of doctor are you anyway? I have read your column since it started appearing in MDM and it seems you always recommend excessive drinking as an answer to every problem. Don’t you know heavy drinking is never an answer to problems? Are you even a real doctor?
Not Amused
Marin County, CA

Dear Not Amused:
I will have you know that I am a real medical doctor with a real diploma from a real medical school. So what if I lost my license to practice in the US. It was all a big misunderstanding. First and foremost, I never got any credit for being blacked-out during the ill-fated surgery. I want you to seriously think about that: I was able to drive to the hospital, dress and scrub for surgery and not remember a thing. I think that should have counted for something, but no! The goddamn medical ethics board has no sense of humor at all. As to the meat of the complaint against me: It was knee surgery, not kidney surgery. Don’t those two sound very similar? Hell, I’m almost sober right now and they sound nearly identical to me. Like I said, a big misunderstanding.

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