Never summon your waitress by saying, “Here chicky, chicky, chicky.”
If you’re playing pool and somebody cheats, never crack him over the head with a pool stick. Let it go. Have a shot of Jager. It does less damage than a bar brawl.
If you are going to tip nicely, never make an accompanying comment such as, “Hey look at me I just tipped you.” In fact, don’t say anything. There’s nothing you could say that the tip doesn’t say much better.
If you are a man, on a date with a woman, never order a blended drink.
If you are a woman, on a date with a man, always pull out your damn wallet and offer to buy a round. Whaddya think, he’s Bill Gates? He drives an ice cream truck for a living, and he declared bankruptcy just to buy you a sushi and saki dinner.
If you’re a man on a date with a woman and she pulls out her damn purse to pay for a drink, always decline her offer. Softly push her bills back toward her. Then, pull out your wad and pay with a hundred dollar bill. There is no move smoother and will greatly reduce your chances of another late night with Sportscenter and Carne Asada, alone.
If your bartender is an asshole, or worse, if he’s slow: Stiff him!
Never buy a drink for a strange woman across the bar. Talk to her first. This way you can tell if she’s worth the $3.50 and she can tell if she can stand you.
If you are a woman, always refuse a drink from a stranger across the bar. This is an invitation for him to sit next to you—believe me, you don’t want him to sit next to you.
If you are a woman, and you are drinking a draft and a man offers to buy you a drink, never develop a sudden craving for a double Courvoisier, with a champagne back—not unless he’s really, really, really ugly and smells like a fermenting donkey-pie.
Top Ten Things to Never Say to a Bartender
10) “Have you been gaining weight?”
9) “If you make it strong – I’ve got a nickel with your name on it.”
8) “I’m not from around here.”
7) “How did you get stuck in a loser job like this?”
6) “Where should I check my Uzi?”
5) “Comp the drink and I’ll give you a big, big tip.”
4) “Officer Krupke. . . Vice squad”
3) “Where da crack ho’s at?”
2) “I know how it is man, I used to be a bartender – keep a nickel for yourself.”
1) “Which way to the vomitorium please?”
—Edwin Decker
