Cenosillicaphobia is fear of an empty glass, and you’re getting damned angry at the snickering bartenders who find it amusing when you have a little trouble pronouncing your very real condition.

You call the six minutes that it takes for alcohol to reach your brain The Devil’s Half Dozen.

You figured out exactly why the world is so screwed up when you learned that 48% of the adults on this planet claim to have never tasted alcohol.

Bartenders call you Jumper Cables because you’re always trying to start shit.

You are not shouting. You are just firmly informing your neighbors that you are in excellent spirits and the evening is quite young.

There are few things more demoralizing than three beers in the fridge. It’s like having an eighth of a tank of gas. It’ll take you around the block, but you sure as hell ain’t going anywhere fun.

Your liver has won Employee of the Month for 122 consecutive months.

You walking into a crowded bar ups the average BAC by 30%.

Whenever you produce a credit card, the expression on the bartender’s face always seems to say: “Oh, thank God. I was sure you were going to pay with loose change.”