Rule 86. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

Rule 62. There is nothing like a productive visit to a booze megamart to make one feel robust, open-minded, and full of possibilities.

Rule 33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

Rule 26. The distance between “Impossible!” and “All we need is a free weekend and some kind of rocket motor” is eight drinks.

Rule 12. Two days of solid drinking is a binge. Three days is a jag. Four days is a brannigan. Only after five days can you gravely yet cavalierly announce you are on a bender.

Rule 69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

Rule 79. If you are 86’d from a bar, do not show your face again for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

Rule 36. If you're feeling depressed, get out a cocktail guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried. All those golden and delicious concoctions that you've yet to apply your palate to. It'll brighten you right up, especially if you actually concoct a few.

Rule 43. Leave no drink behind. Cravenly retreating from an unfinished drink is to admit it finished you.

Rule 82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.