First drink: I was seven years old, hanging with my father and sister. He bought a six pack of Coors and a six pack of mini Coors for us girls. We drank it as my pops drove us around in his Porsche 914.

First mixed drink: I stole a bottle of dry vermouth from my mom’s bar (the only one they forgot to lock up). I drank the whole thing and I hate wet martinis to this day.

Cocktail and shot of choice: Besides beer, it’s double tall gin and tonics and chilled Tuaca, double short.

How much and how often: As much as possible any time I want. It’s kinda vague. On a good night 10 maybe 12. On a pussy night 5. That’s shots alone, not including beers or drinks.

Drunkest ever: I’d have to say Vegas at the Bartending Convention 2001. We never made it to the actual event. We ended up in Old Town Vegas. I was walking around bare-footed and my friends were bitching at me for not keeping up. “I hate all you fuckers!” I was screaming. I’m not allowed to drink brown alcohol in public (Tuaca aside) cuz I usually wind up hurting myself or someone else. Anyway. I started in on the whiskey and when we got back to the MGM Grand I fell down and told everyone there who was helping me up to lick me.

Most stops you’ve made in one night: That I can remember, seven. It was the Lions Lair, Williams Tavern, Cricket on the Hill, 15th St. Tavern, Nettie’s 2, then the Lair and Nettie’s 2 again.

Why so many?Because my initials are AA and I must fight to avoid being stereotyped.

Surefire hangover cure: Sex . . . hot greasy sex. Watching B movies and then going back to sleep. If you don’t have cable then Dr. Who is always there as an excellent alternative.

Favorite bar: Lion’s Lair. I’ve been going there every other day since I could pass for 21. My second favorite is Williams Tavern and not just because I work there. I actually love the place.

Favorite bar on the road: It’s in Utah. I can’t remember the name of the place so i’ll make it up. It’s called the I wish I Could Tavern. Great place. Nice people.

Drinking heroes: James Dean, Janis Joplin (Good ol’ Southern Comfort), Wendy O from the Plasmatics, Jackie Gleason, Sid Vicious and Nancy too. . . well, nah, fuck her. Stupid fucking slut.

Favorite drinking song: The sound of a straw slurping at the bottom of an empty glass.

Best qualities in a bartender: Great smile, a good sense of humor and a great pour. A nice ass doesn’t hurt.

Worst qualities in a bartender: Slow service, acts mean then won’t lick me right. I’ve had every bartender I’ve ever wanted. They always give in to me.

What makes a good drunk great: One who’ll give you a good slap in the face, a good kick in the pants, and who’ll buy you a handful of peanuts from The Little Nut Hut.

Best household uses for alcohol: Any sort of a protein-based stain has no chance. Also if there’s roaches, dump some Bacardi 151 on them and light ‘em on fire.Works every time.

Previous articleSons of Bitches Abound
Next articleA Sot’s Fables: The Tortoise and the Hare
Editor/Publisher of Modern Drunkard Magazine.