Dear Dr. Buuz-Hund:
I’ve heard that the human body produces alcohol. Is this true?
Otto Inebriate
Topeka, KS
Dear Otto:
For the vast majority of humans, this is indeed true. The healthy human body can produce up to an ounce of pure ethanol (drinking alcohol) per day. That’s like getting two shots or two pints of craft beer for free! If this is not proof that there is a Loving Creator, then I don’t know what is.
Ethanol is important in a variety of biochemical systems that support the human organism. From the transport of energy across cell walls to the protection of the brain from free radicals, ethanol can be found in virtually every cell of even the most tight-assed teetotaler. It is my professional opinion that, without ethanol, life itself would be, if not impossible, at least not worth living.
Unfortunately for some, their bodies do not produce enough ethanol to sustain life. This rare, little known and almost universally maligned disease is known as Chronic Alcohol Deficiency Syndrome (CADS). CADS sufferers must supplement their systems with ethanol in order to feel well. Symptoms of untreated CADS include: Pounding headache, trembling of the extremities, seriously shitty attitude — just to name a few. Whereas the properly -managed CADS patient has a general feeling of well-being, interacts well with other humans and sees him/herself as more attractive and articulate than sometimes is warranted.
Sadly, many of the members of my own profession are unaware of this potentially life threatening disease. Next time your doctor tells you that you need to quit drinking, ask him if he has screened you for CADS.
Dear Dr. Buuz-Hund:
When I’m drinking, I really want a cigarette. Why is this?
Nico Teen
Newark, NJ
Dear Nico:
The human body is a magnificent, self-regulating and in my case, well-oiled machine. When you have an iron deficiency, a nice bloody steak looks delicious. When you are low in salt, a margarita seems to be calling your name. So it is with cigarettes. Heavy drinking depletes vitamin B3 (also known as Nicotinic Acid). Low vitamin B3 levels causes anxiety, depression, apprehension and fatigue. Every heavy drinker is familiar with these symptoms.
The recommended daily amount (RDA) of vitamin B3 is around 18 mg. Assuming 3 mg Nicotine per coffin nail and a 1:1 conversion rate, the recommended number of cigarettes (RNC) is 6. These numbers are only a guide and we suggest you check with your professional tobacconist and see what the RNC is for the brand you smoke.
In callous disregard for the health and well-being of their citizens, many US states have banned smoking inside of bars, some communist cities have even banned smoking OUTDOORS! We see this as yet another attack on the health and well-being of the drinking public and are doing what we can to combat this frightening trend.
To that end and as part of our ongoing research, we at the Buuz-Hund Institute and Grill are looking for substitutes for cigarettes. We have been diligently testing mixed energy drinks as potential candidates. These energy drinks typically contain Vitamin B3 along with other essential nutrients such as caffeine and white sugar. The results are preliminary and much more side-by-side testing needs to be done, but the Jager Bomb appears promising.
Dear Dr. Buuz-Hund
I am sometimes tempted, usually right around closing time, to take one of the barflies home for a drunken gropefest. Am I more likely to get an STD from one of these skanks than say, your mom?
I’ll Fuck Anything That Moves
Your Moms House, CA
Dear IFATM
I will, for the time being, ignore the comments regarding my mother. Let’s focus instead, on the legitimate question as to whether or not making the beast with two backs with a female bar regular (the barfly as you so coarsely referred to) results in a higher than average incidence of contracting a sexually transmitted disease (STD).
While safe sex is always encouraged, common sense tells us participants in the typical alcohol-fueled gropefest usually forgo “wrapping it up” for a variety of reasons. Let’s face it, after a night of heavy drinking it’s difficult enough to keep it up even without the bother of having to a) find b) open c) invariably try to put on backwards papa-stopper. So all other factors being equal, your risk of contracting an STD would appear to be increased.
But wait, the key word is “appear”. This my dear IFATM, is why we do research. If we took everything at face value and didn’t ‘dive deeper’ doctors would still be bleeding patients with leeches. Contrary to common sense and popular belief, respected research has shown there is no increased risk of STD transmission associated with heavy alcohol use between casual sexual partners. There is however, increased risk associated with alcohol use and long-term sexual partners. Strange but true!
So pork away IFATM, but remember to wrap it up. Not that anyone cares about you contracting an STD but rather that there might be one more fatherless, knuckle-dragging douche bag kid being raised by the grandmother of the snaggle-toothed, meth-addled whore who was too drunk to refuse your diseased seed.
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