Dear Dr. Buuz-Hund
Can you help me with my beer belly? My six-pack abs are starting to look more like a keg. The only advice I can find on the Internet is I should quit drinking if I want to trim down.
Dear Big Mike,
I feel your pain. It’s easy to think the neoprohibitionists have completely taken over the Internet. Search for “get rid of my beer belly” and up pops results that emphatically state that it is the evil alcohol to blame—not just beer but any alcoholic drink.
To which I say, Bullshit! When was the last time you saw one of our hardcore alley-dwelling alcoholic brethren with a beer gut? When was the last time you heard a gentleman’s protruding paunch referred to as a rum and Coke belly?
According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, weight loss is one of the signs that you’re drinking too much!
These swine are a one-note band. You have a fat belly? You need to stop drinking. You’re too skinny? You’re an alcoholic. Your dick won’t get hard? Alcohol is to blame. Rape is endemic? Shut down the bars.
On and on, yada, yada. You are right to question their myopic advice. All that aside, here’s the information you really need:
Beer is liquid bread. It is chock-full of nutritious goodness. Still, you wouldn’t pound down two loaves of bread every day would you? For a 200-pound male to maintain a healthy state of inebriation during a typical night, that’s the “bread equivalent” of beer it takes.
So no big shocker there. Eating (or drinking) that much bread is going to make you fat. You need to switch at least part of your drinking diet to something richer in alcohol.
We here at the Buuz-Hund Institute and Grill prefer to start every morning with some breakfast beer but at lunchtime we switch to a nutritious rum and fruit juice mix. Our current favorite is the Pain Killer topped with a sprinkle of nutmeg. Not only will this maintain our heart-healthy buzz, but also provides our daily dose of fruit and aphrodisiac. It’s not even dinner yet, and you already have all the carbs, healthy fat and vitamins necessary to maintain the body of an Adonis.
But remember, exercise is also important. As we age, we exercise less, and that fact alone can lead to the loss of our slim physiques. Here at the BHIG, we’ve been testing gravity-enhanced beer mugs with great success. The idea is simple: instead of merely doing 16oz curls with our favorite brews, we drink our beer from steins with a 20lb lead weight attached to the base.
You can imagine the fat- burning, biceps-strengthening capability of our Andre the Giant Mug. You may never be able to drink like the legend but now, thanks to Science, you can burn fat like him. One note of warning: Remember to switch hands occasionally unless you want to look like a fiddler crab.
Something else to keep in mind: Higher proof alcohol equals fewer carbs. Fewer carbs equal less belly fat. Simple logic dictates that more alcohol equals less fat. So what we really need is a beer with high alcohol content and little or no carbs.
Good news! Such an elixir is already on the market. It’s called Single Malt Scotch Whisky.
Here’s how they make single malt Scotch: Step one: Make beer without the hops. Step two: Concentrate the beer by removing the fattening carbs and excess water. Step three: Age in oak barrels for a few years.
And there you have it, a truly non-fattening beer that will erase your beer belly in no time!
Dear Dr. Buuz-Hund,
My wife and I have decided to start a family. I don’t really consider myself a heavy drinker, but I do like to have a few with the boys now and then. I read somewhere that drinking just five alcoholic drinks a week could reduce sperm quality. For the sake of my new family, should I quit drinking?
Trying to Knock Wife Up
Wussy Town, VT
I think I saw the same headline as you did, and it scared me too. The article cited a Danish study that followed over 1200 young Danish men for four years. The study appears to have been expertly designed and well run. Not your typical “Alcohol Is the Root of All Evil” study run by MADD. The headline was just as you remember: “Drinking Just Five Alcoholic Drinks a Week Could Reduce Sperm Quality.” And what self-respecting man wants poor sperm quality?
I took some time and looked at the data collected by the researchers and have come to these conclusions: According to the data, drinking just five drinks per week was bad, but what was worse was drinking no alcohol at all. In fact, teetotalers in the study had just about the worst sperm quality of all the men studied. Subjects had to drink over 40 drinks per week to have just slightly less sperm quality than the teetotalers. Everyone else in the study had better quality than these girly men.
Let me say it plain and simple: Drinking improves your sperm quality. As an added bonus, the study also showed the more you drink, the more testosterone you have. The headline should have read: “Moderate to Heavy Drinking Increases Sperm Quality and Makes You More Manly.”
So why the completely misleading headline you might wonder? Newspapers and websites are in the business of selling papers and getting people to visit their site. If they run a headline that says “Water is Wet,” how many visitors or subscribers are they going to get? Everyone knows that drinking is manly and so is knocking up women. Obviously, drinking improves your chances of knocking up your wife, but where is the news in that?
This whole thing reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Benjamin Franklin: “Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.”
My advice is to continue drinking, heavily!
Dear Dr. Buuz-Hund,
Why does Tequila make my clothes fall off?
Los Osos, CA
Dearest Desk Lady,
Your timing is perfect! We here at the Buuz-Hund Institute and Grill with (hopefully) generous support from the William Cosby Foundation, had already decided to look into this very question. If you would like to be a part of our study, please forward face and (preferably nude) full body pics to [email protected]. If you pass the initial screening process (and I’m sure you will), I will personally contact you to set up a time for an in-depth interview.
Any other ladies, young or old, that would like to be considered for our upcoming study, please feel free to do likewise!¸
Do you have a question for Dr. Buuzhund? Direct it right here: [email protected]