Key: Holiday. Pithy comment. Suggested holiday
libation. (Recipes included for the odd ones.)
1 April Fool’s Day. AKA The Day of Abject Cruelty Posing as Good-Natured Hijinks. Zima. (Gotcha!)
2 Anniversary of Battle of the Flowers (French). Only the French would fight over flowers. Fernet Branca.
3 Festival of Min (Egyptian). Min was the god of wheat and sex. Wheat beer in a sexy glass.
4 First home phone installed (1877). Making it ridiculously easy for the hungover masses to call in sick. Bloody Mary.
5 Tomb Sweeping Day (Chinese). Because, you know, those tombs can get awfully dusty. Tombstone Whiskey.
6 Merle Haggard’s Birthday (1937). Songs included “Whiskey Bent and Hellbound” and “The Whiskey Ain’t Working.” Hope he was right. George Dickel Whiskey.
7 Robert Peary reaches the North Pole (1909). His provisions included a case of Guinness. Ice cold Guinness.
8 International Feng Shui Awareness Day. Just think how much your personal energy would improve if you moved the beer in your fridge to your stomach. A refrigerator of beer.
9 Hugh Hefner’s Birthday. Wear a smoking jacket to the bar. Champagne.
10 National Alcohol Screening Day. If you don’t have a cocktail strainer, you can screen it through your fingers.
1 1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps
1 1/2 oz Bailey’s Irish Cream
2 oz milk
Pour butterscotch schnapps and Bailey’s over ice, top with milk, shake it up, screen into glass.
11 Barbershop Quartet Day. Hooch away the horror. Old Fashioned.
12 Walk on Your Wild Side Day. Visit a bar that doesn’t care for your type. Wild Turkey 101.
13 Thomas Jefferson’s Birthday (1743). Ran up $100,000 wine tab while in the White House. American wine.
14 Anniversary of the Titanic Striking an Iceberg. Actual quote by one of the chaps at the ship’s main lounge: “I ordered ice with my drink, but this is ridiculous.” Scotch and soda, hold the ice.
15 Tax Day. If you ever needed a reason to drink, here it is. Whatever you can afford.
16 Kingsley Amis’ Birthday (1922). Writer’s epitaph saluted him as a “supreme clubman, boozer and blimp.” Fat Bastard Chardonnay.
17 Daffy Duck makes his debut (1937). Do your best imitation. Cold Duck (burgundy and champagne).
18 Paul Revere makes his midnight ride (1775). Make your own ride before the liquor stores close. White Horse Scotch.
19 Homer Simpson makes his first appearance on television. “Woo-hoo!” Sweet, sweet beer.
20 National Karaoke Week begins. Ever notice how getting drunk makes you sound like Sinatra and everyone else sound like retards? Shot of courage.
21 Alferd G. Packer Day. University of Colorado’s cafeteria is named after the famous cannibal. Dead Guy Ale.
22 Jack Nicholson’s Birthday (1937). Heeeeeere’s Johnny! Johnny Walker Black.
23 The Reinheitsgebot is adopted (1516). German purity law demands that beer only be made of malt, yeast, hops and water. Good German beer.
24 National Remembrance of Man’s Inhumanity To Man Day. Atone for your barroom behavior. Solemn shots of tequila.
25 Cuckoo Day (English). Get cuckoo for cocoa shots!
1 1/2 oz cognac
1/2 oz white chocolate liqueur
1/2 oz amaretto
1/2 oz cream
1 Maraschino cherry
Shake with ice, strain, garnish with a maraschino cherry, shoot.
26 Richter Scale Day. Shake it, baby, shake it!
1/3 Pernod (Absinthe if you got it)
Shake with ice, strain.
27 Ulysses S. Grant’s Birthday (1822). When informed that Grant was a drunkard, Lincoln retorted: “Find out what brand of whiskey Grant drinks, because I want to send a barrel of it to each one of my generals.” Old Crow Whiskey.
28 Crew of the HMS Bounty mutinied (1789). Among other outrages, the Captain cut off their grog. Rum.
29 Casse Canarie (Haitian Voodoo). AKA Breaking the Jugs, so as to free lost souls from purgatory. Makes sure you empty them first. Jug of rum.
30 Willie Nelson’s Birthday (1933). Talk about follow through: He not only sings about whiskey, he distills the stuff. Whiskey River Whiskey.