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China Hassled for Tasty Tiger Bone Wine
BEIJING, China— China has come under fire for allowing tigers to be bred by ranchers for the production of the reportedly delicious “tiger bone wine.”

The savory drink is reportedly made by steeping tiger carcasses in rice wine. Those who drink the wine believe it makes them strong, virile, and tiger-like. Chinese delegates at the International Tiger Symposium in Nepal recently argued for the lifting of the current ban on the trade in tiger parts, including bones and skins. One tiger rancher, when accused of being anti-tiger, stated, “I like tigers as much as anybody. I like them so much I want to drink wine made from their bones, so I can be a tiger too.”

 Militant French Winos Torch Supermarkets
NIMES, France— In a predawn raid, a militant group of wine activists bombed two supermarkets and an office in southern France.

The attacks appear to be the work of CRAV (Comite Regional D’action Viticole), a group of wine industry protestors known for its aggressive tactics. CRAV’s stated mission is to save the floundering French wine industry from destruction.

An electrical transformer in the parking lot of a supermarket in Nimes was blown up, while an incendiary device blew out the windows of a store in nearby Magdalas. In Capestang, trash bins at another store were set ablaze and an office was firebombed.

No one was hurt, but two suspects were taken into custody and questioned by the police. One of the suspects is the president of a wine co-operative.

Separately, CRAV graffiti was found scrawled on the walls of other supermarkets that were not attacked. In one case, the phrase on creve (we’re dying) was also found on a wall.

CRAV has been active for nearly 30 years, and has been responsible for destroying both municipal and private property — bombing grocery stores and a winery, and hijacking a tanker of Spanish wine. In 2002, members detonated explosives on the Tarascon-Carcassone train line.

The group calls for more protection of the French wine industry, including restrictive tariffs on imports, subsidies and other measures to halt the erosion of France’s share of the global wine market.

CRAV recently issued a one-month ultimatum to  Nicolas Sarkozy threatening “action,” and possibly deaths, if the new premier does not help the struggling French wine industry.

On a pre-recorded cassette delivered to a TV station, five balaclava-clad men read a statement addressed to the new president. They said that if in one month nothing has changed and that wine prices have not gone up, they will spring into action.

“If Sarkozy does not support the interests of the wine industry, he will be entirely responsible for what happens,” said a CRAV spokesman. “We are at the point of no return.’”

 MADD Top Cop Arrested for DUI
AURORA, IN — A police officer who recently received an award from Mothers Against Drunk Driving has been charged with drunken driving. Officer Charles Beebe’s SUV was pulled over in Aurora, IN, after a motorist reported that he had forced two vehicles off the road. Beebe failed a field sobriety test then agreed to a chemical test, which he also failed. His BAC was 0.08 percent. Despite the evidence, Beebe, 54, rather hypocritically proclaimed his innocence, pleaded not guilty and was released on $1,500 bond. The 32-year member of the Cincinnati Police Department received a Top Cop award this year from MADD’s Southwestern Ohio chapter. A MADD spokesman said they were “disappointed.”

Man in Wheelchair Arrested for DUI
OTTAWA — A Canadian man arrested for riding in a borrowed motorized wheelchair while intoxicated has been convicted of impaired driving. Patrick Shanahan, 35, was on his way home from a pub in a Toronto suburb when he was arrested, said Corporal Jodi Dawson of the local police department. “Officers stopped him because he was operating a motorized wheelchair on a road, erratically, and charged him with impaired driving,” she said. Shanahan was quoted as saying: “I don’t need a license to operate it, I don’t need insurance and I don’t need license plates to operate it. So how can I be charged with drunk driving?” Flying in the face of his brilliant logic, the court disagreed, fining him 600 Canadian dollars and placing him on probation for 18 months. During this period, Shanahan — who is not confined to using a wheelchair — is prohibited from driving any motorized vehicle, including wheelchairs and lawn mowers.

Defiant Doctor Prescribes Booze
TORNONTO— Despite the prevailing data, most medical professionals stop short of prescribing moderate drinking — defined as no more than two drinks a day for men or one a day for women — as a way to keep the doctor away. Dr. W. Gifford-Jones is the nom de plum for Dr. Ken Walker, a practicing physician and medical journalist in Toronto. For decades he has bravely touted the health benefits of enjoying a drink or two each day. He also has rattled the medical community by prescribing a cocktail to his post-op patients their second day after surgery. “I think of all the medicines we give people these days — moderate drinking is a hell of a lot safer,” he said. “If you look at the side effects of drugs — from aspirin to stronger drugs — the list is as long as your arm. Not so with moderate intake of alcohol. “I think alcohol is a good drug. Compared to prescription drugs? Yes, any day.” Gifford-Jones said the fear of patients potentially misusing alcohol keeps many doctors from promoting alcohol’s well-established health benefits. “What happens, when you go to a medical convention, and you begin debating the pros and cons (of moderate alcohol consumption): The ones against it are against it. But the ones for it say, ‘We can’t say that we are for drinking because of those that will drink too much.’ And I say, ‘If that’s the case, why don’t we take cars off the road because some will drive 140 mph?’” He added that it did not particularly matter what kind of alcohol his patients drank. “There’s a lot of talk about red wine. French red-wine makers would love it if we only touted red wine’s health benefits. But I don’t think it makes any difference, really. I think it’s the alcohol (that provides the health benefits),” Gifford-Jones said.

Now That’s Customer Service
BERLIN, Germany— A German man called on his bank for an unusual service when he decided he was too drunk to go home — he bedded down there for the night with his horse. The man, identified as Wolfgang H. by German media, crashed out next to the cash machines of his bank in Wiesenburg after unsaddling his horse Sammy and closing the door. The bank said that aside from an undesirable deposit made by his horse on the floor, the 40-year-old account holder had not breached any bank rules. “The horse was otherwise very well behaved and kept a good watch on his master,” a bank spokesman said. “Perhaps we should have a supply of oats and water on the premises in future.” Another customer discovered the horse and drunkard as he slept and ratted him out to the police, who asked the man to move along. A police spokesman said that since the horse’s droppings had been removed, the matter was now closed.

Nogoodniks Nix Prizes for Exemplary Boozing
SEOUL, S. Korea— A South Korean local government has stopped awarding prizes to big-spending barflies in the second setback in a month for the country’s hard-drinking culture. The Goesan county government had faced criticism over its “Drinking Culture Prize,” which justly rewarded county employees who boosted the local economy by frequenting local bars. Three employees had won a three-day trip to the resort island of Jeju and a plaque for their elbow-bending efforts. County chief Lim Gak-Soo said in the future the rewards would go to officials who boosted the local economy, in less excellent ways, such as by shopping. He didn’t say if the shopping could include liquor stores. Earlier in the year, the Seoul High Court awarded $32,300 dollars in compensation to an ungrateful female employee who claimed her boss had forced her to join office drinking parties after work.

Beer Taster Boohoos His Way Into Bounty
SAO PAULO, Brazil — A Brazilian court has ordered local brewer Ambev to pay $49,400 to a beer taster who drank around three pints of beer each day as part of his enviable occupation. The unidentified cretin alleged that the brewery didn’t provide the health measures needed to keep him from developing alcoholism. He claims he drank between 16 and 25 small glasses of beer during his eight-hour shifts, and also received a bottle of beer after work. The brewery claims the employee already was an alcoholic before they even laid eyes on the ungrateful bastard.

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Frank Kelly Rich

Editor/Publisher of Modern Drunkard Magazine.