Problem: While “inventorying” a roommate’s possessions, you innocently stumble upon a hidden bottle of liquor.
Solution: You may assume that your roommate was hiding the bottle because he intended to present it to you as gift on a later occasion. If you wish, you may hasten the celebration by partaking of the bottle. If, upon his return, your roommate protests your initiative, you may shriek, “Goddamn Indian giver!” and smite him across the jowls with the empty bottle.
Problem: Your dinner companion mistakes his martini for a finger bowl.
Solution: Is he perhaps fishing for the olive? If not, you must wait until he is finished executing his unforgivable faux pas, then splash his martini in his face and inform him his face also appeared dirty. When he screams that his eyes are burning, inform him that water does not burn unless, of course, he’s a witch.
Problem: You are sufficiently “into your cups” as to attempt to walk into a party backwards.
Solution: Whatever you do, do not confess to inebriation. This will encourage your hostess to monitor your drinking. Instead, inform her that you are merely toying with the Jungian concept that the future is a reservoir of hope, the present a jail of madness, and the past a closet of fear, and are therefore attempting to constantly face your fears so as to become a better person. If she sneers at your explanation, you may prove Jung correct by demonstrating just how mad the jail of the present can be.
Problem: Your dinner companion orders an expensive French wine you’ve never heard of, then asks you to choose the year.
Solution: Your companion is obviously attempting a ruse designed to degrade your dignity. The best and only response is to inform the waiter: “Any clod knows there is only one truly decent vintage of this particular wine, and if you do not bring it at once I will have no recourse but to summon my chauffeur and order him to thrash the very daylights out of you.”
Problem: You come to from a blackout to discover you are about to be married.
Solution: A troubling situation at best, but you must remain calm. First, glance around casually. Does it appear to be an expensive wedding? An expensive wedding is a strong signal that there will be a great deal of free libations at the reception and a liquor-laden honeymoon. In that case you should say, “I do,” reap the benefits of the association, then demand an annulment at honeymoon’s end on the grounds of “extreme mental cruelty.”
However, if the wedding appears to lean toward the “cash bar/motel honeymoon” side you should feign a massive heart attack. Clutch your heart, gasp, “Oh, bejesus!” and keel over backwards. When the ambulance arrives at the hospital, jump up, bow slightly to the attendant paramedics, and dash to the nearest pub.
Problem: You accidentally regurgitate while drinking in a restaurant.
Solution: Did the waiter notice? If he didn’t, “accidentally” knock over your glass of wine in the direction of the vomit. Bend to retrieve it, then draw back in horror while holding your nose. Shout “Great God!” then wave the waiter over and upbraid him for serving you wine that is obviously recycled vomit. Then angle for a free bottle.
If the waiter did notice, you have but one recourse: Hurl your napkin on the floor, announce that the wine is “off” and storm out of the restaurant with your spine very stiff indeed.
Problem: You discover the woman you’ve been “pitching woo” to is the wife of the host of the party.
Solution: A grave breech of etiquette. As the furious host approaches, say loudly, “I will not engage in sordid intercourse with you, you brazen tart! Did you not know that your husband is a very dear friend of mine?”
The stunned host will most likely escort his wife to a private room for a discussion. Stand near the door and attempt to glean the direction of the conversation. If it appears she will prevail, you must imbibe as much liquor as possible, as your fate is precarious at best.
Problem: Following a dinner party, you accidentally follow the ladies to the tea parlor instead of joining the men for brandy and cigars in the study.
Solution: A grave error! You must repair the situation immediately or lose face with “the chaps.”
Upon realizing your mistake, you must slink to the study, stand in the doorway and loudly announce, “From the rear your women look like men!”
If this ploy is met with looks of disdain or doubt, you have no recourse but to tearfully confess you are, in fact, a hermaphrodite.
Problem: In a sudden moment of clarity, you realize, without a doubt, you are much too “cool” to be seen in public with your current friends.
Solution: As you climb the social ladder this will become an increasingly common occurrence. Cruel as it may seem, you must immediately break ties with your current “sticks in the mud.” Proper etiquette, however, dictates that you cannot merely snarl “You swine are crushing my very soul!” while stalking disdainfully away.
Instead, inform your friends, “I do believe I’m going to be ill. I think I’ll go expel on those snobs in yonder corner.” You may then join your new peers without fear of your cast-offs following.
Problem: A stranger notices you enjoying a “wee nip” from your traveling flask.
Solution: Does he appear envious or disturbed? If he is the former, you may share a comradely “belt.” Be sure to keep your hand on the flask while he drinks, to insure he doesn’t execute a “Russian sip.” If he appears disturbed, you may ribaldly inform him: “The last time I was this intoxicated, I smashed in the face of a perfect stranger who possessed the sheer, unadulterated nerve to eye-fuck me.”
Problem: While engaged as a “wingman” for a dear chum, you notice the target of his affections is giving you the “eye.”
Solution: Remember, a one night fling is merely a temporary rejoicing, while a friendship can drudge on for a lifetime. Which is why you must wait until your chum repairs to the restroom before you make your “slick move.”
Tell her: “I am leaving for a fashionable nightclub in fifteen minutes. We can meet there, unless of course, you are convinced you can cure my friend’s secret and lifelong homosexuality, of which even his crippled wife and three children are not aware.”
Problem: While sitting in the parlor with a new suitor, he confesses he doesn’t care for alcohol at all.
Solution: Treat him to a long silent stare, politely giving him the oppurtunity to confess to “joshing” you.
If he doesn’t immediately retract his ridiculous statement, laugh politely and say, “Well, hasn’t this been pleasant! A frightful pleasure! Now, why don’t you run the fuck along to Sunday school or wherever the hell freaks like you get your twisted kicks.”
Problem: You are drinking at a friend’s home and the hosts decide you have “had enough” and “cuts you off” from the liquid refreshments.
Solution: Here one is faced not only with an excruciatingly uncomfortable situation, but also a very grave insult. First you must ask yourself, “Have I had enough?” To which your answer should be, “Of course I haven’t had enough, if I had had enough I would be incapable of posing such a query.”
You must strive not only to rescue your reputation as a hard drinker, but inform any and all present that you are not the sort to be cut off at will. Not without grave consequences.
First, is your host bigger than you? If not, you may, without fear of robbing yourself of poise or self-possession, violently wrest the bottle away, then dash outside while giggling tastefully. Consume the bottle in the bushes then storm back inside and inform the entire gathering in a very loud and authoratative tone that no one puts a damper on your fun, ever. You may then hurl the empty bottle at the most valuable possession in the room and casually exit the party.
If your host is larger than you, you must use all your wiles to reinstate your drinking privileges. Whining and sobbing rarely works in such a situation, so immediately dismiss those thoughts from your mind.
Instead, graciously inform your host you indeed have “had enough” and pretend to start putting on your jacket. When the host relaxes, throw your jacket over his or her head, seize hold as many bottles as you can conveniently carry and flee with due haste.