You think the world revolves around you. Particularly when you lie down.

Drunk You and Sober You have two entirely different sets of friends.

Optimism sounds like ice rattling into a lowball glass.

You don’t crave the booze. The booze craves you.

When you’re drunk you remember who you are.

The secret ingredient of your favorite cocktails is Being Really Fucking Drunk.

Sometimes it feels like all the booze in the world won’t make a dent in the bullshit. But you know, you still gotta try.

You quit drinking for good, and will now only drink for evil.

If someone sees a pineapple in your shopping cart they should instantly leap to this conclusion: “That fucker is gonna drink rum out of a damn pineapple.”

You don’t trust a brilliant idea unless it survives the hangover.

You apologize for being sober.

Your fourth whiskey always whispers, “Now is the time to tell people what you really think.”

Climbing a tree at 2am seems like a super awesome idea.

FKR, Animal, Jimmy Breslin, Kirk K.