Asking a bar to “bail out” your tab doesn’t work.
Trust me.

Consider building your own still.
All you need to do is read a couple books, get the parts, find a welder you can trust, mix up some mash and, uh — that ain’t gonna happen.

If your career choices mean you are utterly unaffected by the current economic crisis, feel free to revel in schadenfreude.
You’re not a lowlife barfly, you’re a recession-resistant barfly.

Don’t think tipping less will solve your financial problems.
It will, however, solve your “Wow, that’s a proper goddamn pour” problems.

Instead of spreading your money around, spend all your dough at one bar.
Regulars get benefits.

If your home is about to get repossessed, make sure you throw one last kick-out-the-jams party before you go.
And by jams I mean windows.

Utilize the barter system.
Perhaps your bartender is willing to trade liquor for insincere compliments.

If you notice your local bar pouring weak to save money, make a stand.
Let out a loud and long horrified wail as if they’re strangling the sweet baby Jesus right in front of you. Do this enough times and they’ll eventually understand that we’re all in this together.

You can no longer say you “feel like a million bucks” while loaded.
That kind of ostentatiousness doesn’t play anymore. Just say you “feel like a couple hundred bucks, I guess, give or take.”

Liquor stores are not always a better deal than bars.
When was the last time a liquor store comped part of your bill?

You can wheedle free drinks out of the bartender by telling him you just got laid off.
And in this kooky economy, it’s entirely possible you’ll get laid off more than once a week.

Better a poor man drunk than a rich man sober.
Think about it.

Consider getting a bar job.
It’s recession proof, especially if they don’t keep tight inventory.

Better times are just around the corner.
You know the place.

Consider switching from top shelf to well liquor.
Johnny Walker and McCormick’s taste exactly the same after the 20th round.

Search out cheaper bars.
And just think how excited those lowlifes will be drinking with a high-class gentleman such as yourself.

If you frequent dive bars, expect new faces.
Feel free to laugh along with the bartender when they ask to see the wine list.

Realize you may have to choose between food and booze.
You have to ask yourself: Would I rather be fat or sassy?

Imagine if you’d spent all that money you lost on the stock market stocking up your home bar instead. Just imagine it.
No hate mail, please.

If money is tight, take full advantage of Happy Hours.
It’s welfare for drunks.

If you’re going to start standing on street corner with a cardboard sign, at least be original.
“Why lie? I need a drink,” is so played out.

Cut down on non-essentials.
Like vermouth. And olives. And glassware.

–Frank Kelly Rich

Frank Kelly Rich
Editor/Publisher of Modern Drunkard Magazine.