| The Problem | The Drink | The Solution |
| You lost your job. | Brutal Hammer 1 part cheapest vodka 1 part cheapest burgundy Cynically throw in a few ice cubes. |
Drink ten of these and pass out.You will wake up with the worst hangover of your life. The first thing you will think is, “There’s no way I’m going to work with this headwound. Then you’ll realize: ”Hey! I have no job to go to!” See, it’s all in how you look at it. |
| You’re afraid you might be an alcoholic. | Punisher 2 oz of cheap rum 2 oz cheap tequila 2 oz of cheap ouzo 2 oz cheap gin |
Don’t drink all day. Then sit down with a Punisher. If you can make it through the entire glass before the ice melts, you are an alcoholic. Welcome aboard. |
| A loved one passed away before you could say goodbye. | Final Farewell 3/4 Oz. Brandy 3/4 Oz. Sloe Gin Juice of a lemon 1/2 an egg white |
Gather every item the deceased ever gave you. Take them to the pawn shop and sell them. Take the money to a bar and let the loved one’s ghost buy you a Final Farewell. Closure, baby, full-on closure. |
| You think your lover is cheating on you but you are afraid to confront her. |
Cuckolded Pirate 4 oz Rum 1 Egg White 1 tsp Superfine Sugar 1/2 oz Light Cream 1/8 tsp Grated Nutmeg |
Drink until she comes home. By that time you should be as brave as Bluebeard. Let her know that you’re hip to her cruel game, you were never fooled for a second. Then vomit on yourself and pass out. If she’s still there when you wake up, she’s been faithful. If she has moved out, she wasn’t. The whore. |
| You don’t know what you want to do with your life. | The Regressor 2oz Parfait Amour 1 oz Brandy Splash of Bitters |
You’ll need six. As you drink each one, write down what you think you want to do with your life. During your sixth drink, use the key below to distill your answers into hidden truths. 1st Drink: The last thing you should do. 2nd Drink: What your parents want you to do. 3rd Drink: What you wanted to do in college. 4th Drink: What you wanted to be when you were a kid. 5th Drink: What you truly want to do. Go do it. |
| You think you might be going crazy. | Van Gogh’s Left Ear 2 oz Cranberry vodka 1 oz Advocat Juice of 1 Lime Top with tonic water |
Drink six of these then go to an artist supply store. Buy a large sketch pad and some pencils. Carry the pad with you wherever you go, especially bars, and act as nutty as you want because you’re not crazy anymore. You’re an eccentric artist. |
| You are intolerant of other races, creeds and religions. | Brotherhood of Booze 1 oz Tequila 1 oz Vodka 1 oz light rum 1 oz Gin 1 oz Whiskey 2 oz pineapple juice |
Whenever you feel intolerant, drink a couple of these. In that glass are the products of many divergent cultures and nations, existing in perfect harmony. Individually the liquors are harsh, mixed together in brotherhood they make a very tasty cocktail indeed. |
| You don’t like the taste of alcohol. |
Vicious Circle #2 1 bottle rotgut bourbon 1 bottle Thunderbird 1 pint of Guinness 1 Bucket |
Take a drink of the bourbon. Then take a drink of Thunderbird to get rid of the taste of the bourbon. Then take a drink of the bourbon to get rid of the taste of the Thunderbird. Repeat until you realize what the bucket is for. Then have a pint of Guinness. It’ll taste like ice cream. |
