Do your friends call you a fat drunken slob?
Do you wake up in the afternoon and drink out of shame? Well stop drinking out of guilt and start drinking your way to health! Welcome to a new alcohol fitness program designed to fit within in your current lifestyle. These proven drinking techniques and exercises will help you become a better, healthier and happier drunk.
One of the keys to being a healthy drunk is this mantra: It’s not what you drink, but what you DO while you’re drunk.
It’s true! From chasing women to running from the cops, there are hundreds of ways to be a better you.
As this is your first step, we will start with simply walking while drunk. You probably already do this and didn’t even know it was so good for you! For example, if a sober man walks the distance of a hundred feet (see fig. 1A), it stands to reason that he covers the distance of a hundred feet. But as you may know when a drunk decides to cover that same distance, he may actually walk twice that amount! (see fig. 1B)
So you see, when Joe Six Pack goes from his bar stool to the bathroom, he burns more calories then when Joe AA goes from the coffee area to the bathroom to cry.
There are simple ways to slightly alter your current routine and lose weight. You can do things like take the stool furthest from the bathroom, keep your liquor on top of a bookshelf instead of a desk drawer, or even hide your bottle from yourself while blacked out. Be creative!
For those wanting a more vigorous workout, first warm up with these simple steps: 1) Get so drunk the bartender takes your keys away, 2) Offend all your friends to the point they abandon you, and 3) Vomit on yourself so no self-respecting hack will let you in his cab.
Now once the bar closes, it is time to find your way home. Don’t worry about getting lost on the way, as this will make you burn even more calories. On your journey home you will probably find yourself climbing on things, breaking stuff, and screaming horrible things at your ex-girlfriend’s house. At the Institute we call this cross-training. We encourage cross training, because this will greatly increase your nightly weight loss. It is a proven fact that, when inebriated, we push ourselves to the next level, we throw things farther, we break bigger things, and climb taller trees than we would when sober. It’s motivation in a bottle!
Soon you will want to crank up your program another notch, and we here at the Institute recommend ankle weights for your power drunk-walking sessions. Try to find the type that fill with water, because they can double as ankle flasks. Perfect for mid-workout refreshment!
–Dr. Tivoni Devor