I just tried to make hand sanitizer and it came out as rum and coke.
@KitchenSprout

I don’t eat liver. Not because of the taste or anything, I just don’t want my liver thinking there is help on the way.
@Dear_Booze

Ok a newborn colt rocks it totally and he thought my hand was his mom. It was not. He has tasted life’s infinite tragedy. As I mentioned Earlier I am inebriated.
@susanorlean

alcohol is not the answer
alcohol is the question, yes is the answer
@antijokeapple

Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality.
@tomHanksIsHot

Scientists say men who drink beer daily reduce their risk of heart attack. As for livers, scientists said “fuck livers” and then high fived.
@ChaseMit

Guests: I brought you some non-alcoholic wine
Me: oh excellent *pours it down the sink without breaking eye contact*
@DaddyJew

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
@LizHackett

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