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July 8: Julius Caesar’s birthday.


It’s Julius Caesar’s birthday. Now, you’re probably wondering, was Jules a drinker? He was, but, you know, he wasn’t you’d call a big drinker. Not like his buddy Marc Anthony. Jules was what you’d call a moderate drinker. Whenever he saw his pal Marc getting his act on, getting properly tight, he’d be all like, “Hey Marc, you know, cool out a little, the plebes are watching.” And Marc would be all like, “Hey, this is what I do. I get it on.” Which worked in Jules’ disfavor. The mob liked Jules as a conqueror of Gaul and all, bringing home the riches and slaves, but they always thought he was a bit uptight. Which, in a roundabout way, gave licence to his assassins to stab him to death, because they thought the mob didn’t groove on him enough rise up if he was shanked on the blood-slick marble of the Senate. They were mostly wrong, especially when Marc gave his big, wine-fueled eulogy. Interesting side note: About half of Caesar’s assassins were known heavy wine-heads and the other half were uptighties. So, watch your back. Trust no one.