Once upon a work day dreary
Throbbing head and liver weary
I contemplated work days I had felt like this before
The sour taste of excess dwelling
On my tongue, my thirst was swelling
Threatening to turn the key and send me reeling to the floor
With subtle moves and cunning care
I wheeled my wretched office chair
And grasped the flask which slyly I had hid behind the door
A couple of snorts and all was well
Now I could do my time in hell
I watched the clock creep slowly ‘til it finally said 4:00
Emboldened by my amber friend
The choice was clear – I had to spend
My final hour convincing management that I was poor
I drank my flask ‘til it was spent
To fortify my argument
And then I stumbled righteously to my supervisor’s door
I asked forthright for restitution
Maintaining a dignified constitution
Stood up and shouted “I deserve $10,000 more!!”
My supervisor stood surprised
And said “What’s with the bloodshot eyes?
Have you been drinking on the job like you have done before?”
Quoth the drunkard “Evermore!”
I clutched the pink slip in my fist
And checked the watch around my wrist
Cleaned out my desk and hastened to the elevator door
I knew that I had to hurry
And forced my tipsy feet to scurry
Raced to happy hour and all the strong drinks to be poured
Soon on a bar stool I was set
Fired up my only cigarette
And asked the barkeep “Have you any specials I’d adore?”
“It’s two for one on draft and well”
The barkeep said, “But I can tell
You’ve lost your job again and will become a drunken bore”
Quoth the drunkard “Hey, just pour!”
And so I sat continuously drinking
My financial means continuously shrinking
‘Til I had spent the last buck in my keep – I had no more!!
I asked the barkeep for some credit
Who laughed at me and said “Forget it,
You’re a drunkard who was gainfully employed before”
Chuckled the evil barkeep “Never more!”
I gazed upon the barkeep’s sneering
My supply of spirits suddenly fearing
I shouted “I have spent all of my paychecks here before!”
But the barkeep responded, still uncaring
Said “There’s no more profit sharing,
You’re a souse still wearing clothes you wore the night before!
When you passed out on this very floor!!
Now move your fucking drunk ass out the door!!!”
My rage at this attack unfurling,
I felt my fingers quickly curling
Into a fist, which I thrust at the face I did abhor
The barkeep’s mug I somehow missed
But my face his steely knuckles kissed
I felt myself propelled towards the sidewalk out the door
Quoth the drunkard “Fuck my jaw is sore!”
Into the gutter I went reeling
My loosened jawbone barely feeling
Reached the concrete, kissed the butts of Camels smoked before
My bleary eyes went wandering
And fell upon a diamond ring
That chance had loosened from the hand of a Cherry Creek yuppie whore
Brandishing my new found treasure
I went in search of liquid pleasure
And the evil barkeep who had tossed me out his door
I felt the drink had made me smarter
And I felt confident to barter;
Trade my new found wealth for drinks as strong as he could pour
The barkeep, privy to my vices,
Agreed to waive any drink prices
Said “The bar is yours until we close it up and lock the door”
Said I “Friend barkeep, you have a deal
The ring is yours, at what a steal!
Now let’s retire to the bar and what I came here for”
Quoth the barkeep “Have some more”
I poured myself a triple scotch
Glanced out of habit at my watch
And saw to my dismay that it was showing 1:54!
Then I knew to my chagrin
That Satan’s barkeep was to win
This match of bartering prowess; I was beaten, nothing more
Except¼
I drank a full six minutes straight
Turned my triple Scotch into twenty eight
Then promptly barfed my guts onto the evil barkeep’s floor
Quoth the drunkard “Even score.”
–Jason R. Spillman
