Work Out Secrets Revealed
So far in this column I’ve taught you some excellent methods, utilizing alcohol, to better yourself physically. Yet I sense that questions and doubts remain. That’s because there are two things I cannot teach: Mental toughness and commitment. These you have to teach yourself. This is more than a workout, after all, it is a way of life.
If you really want to drink your way to health, you have to commit yourself to a solid drinking regimen. You can’t expect substantial results by just drinking on the weekends or around the holidays. You must remember that we live in a global village and its always happy-hour somewhere. Drinking just a half-hour of hard liquor every day will show almost immediate results.
To help you kick off your daily drinking program, I will now put answers to questions and problems that might arise and hinder your efforts.
Q. Usually in the morning I am so sore from last night’s workout that I never want to workout again.
A. There are many solutions to the problem of “Morning Burn” that can occur when you decide to Drink Your Way to Health. Simply not waking up in the morning will solve this problem. But if the cruel dawn is something you must address, there are other ways to overcome “Morning Burn”. The most effective is doing a light morning workout. You see, as you sleep your muscles tense up from last night’s workout. A few drinks in the morning will help replenish the alcohol you deprived your body of as you lay sleeping.
Q. Everyone gives me dirty looks when I go to the park to workout.
A. They are just jealous that you care about your health, so fuck ’em. Just workout harder when they look at you funny. And if they continue to hassle you, especially those that wear uniforms, just pour your liquor in a milk carton. Only drunks make fun of people who drink milk.
Q. My place of business doesn’t have a suitable workout area or doesn’t allow me to workout during business hours.
A. It’s a sad fact that in America there are many antiquated corporate policies that go all the way back to the prohibition era. But there are ways to get around this, and to help nudge, or if necessary, drag your office into the 21st century. Obviously you can bring your own workout equipment to the office. You must bear the risk, however, of being labeled a “health nut” and being ostracized by your coworkers. But as Americans we have a duty to be pioneers, to bring forth new ideas and take new risks. In this era of modern cultural sensitivity you can explain that your religion or heritage demands you drink several times a day. With a little research you can find arcane holidays and religious practices that demand drinking. In the much more civilized climes of Guatemala, for example, when you pass out from working out too much you are thought to be talking to the gods and are thus not to be disturbed. Which makes perfect sense. Would a decent boss kick a Muslim in the stomach and fire him for laying down on the floor and praying in the middle of the workday? No. And you should be given the same respect, even if you happen to lay down a tad longer than the average muslim.
Always remember to redirect any praise you receive to your new workout, as in, “There was no way I could have given such a good presentation if I had not been able to clear my head with a little afternoon workout.” These tactics will help usher in a new era of workplace drinking.
Q. My girlfriend/wife says I spend too much time working out A. and not enough with her.
A. Tell her if she could make a decent dry martini you’d workout at home more often. But seriously, ask her if she thinks someone like Mike Tyson should spar with his wife. Contrary to what Mike might think, the answer is no. He should work out with people at his own level of athleticism. Tell her that in order to push yourself you have to work out with the best. And maybe if she worked out a little more she would relax a little.
Q. Even my doctor thinks I should quit working out so much.
A. Have you ever seen a healthy doctor? What do they know anyway? They can’t even decide if chicken eggs are good or evil. All they are interested in is pushing some expensive new miracle pill on you. Drinking has been around since the dawn of time. Doctors only started washing their hands before performing surgery about a hundred years ago. Who are you going to trust? The booze or some bumbling quack?
Q. Why should I trust you with my well being? Who the hell are you anyway?
A. Hitler said the same thing about Jesus.
Q. No really, I mean do you have any qualifications to espouse any of this shit? How can I trust some guy in Modern Drunkard Magazine with my health?
A. Hey asshole, do I sound like Tony Little pushing some E-Z Glider on you? I got no video, no book and no big piece of equipment that uses rubber bands to sell you. You can probably get all the workout equipment you need a block away from where you live and I don’t see dime one. I have no other interest in this beyond making this country a better, healthier place to live, and if you don’t like it, go back to France, you commie.
—Dr. Tivoni Devor
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