It’s always a party when Ryan tips a glass, because “Drinks Malone” never drinks alone.
Crown and Seven or PBR.
I did the math. I spent $10,000 on booze last year.
What pays the bar tabs?
Pizza shop and guest bartending here and there.
Probably the Clash of the Tightest drinking contest in Vegas last year. I showed up blacked out and don’t really remember the contest. People tell me I was there, though.
Ever been thrown out of a bar?
Every bar. I can’t think of one I haven’t been thrown out of. I’ve been 86’d from bars I’ve haven’t bothered to set foot in.
Is it possible to trust those who don’t drink?
No way in hell. If you don’t drink you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
Favorite hangover cure?
Keep drinking. I usually drink all day, so the hangover doesn’t arrive until the evening. And I’m usually drinking then, so I never notice the hangover .
Streets of London Pub (Denver, CO). I’ve been 86’d twice and I’m still welcome.
Dream bender team?
My friends. I don’t give a shit about Hitler and Jesus and all that.
Best qualities in a bartender?
Knows what I want. All I have to do is look at them and they have my drink ready. Stiff drinks. Maybe not the first drink, but once I tip, the drinks better get stiffer. Oh, and tits are good.
You’ve got twenty bucks:
First I spend $5.72 on a 12 pack of American Lager . Then go to Streets where 20 people buy me drinks, leaving me enough for a cab home.
You’ve got a million:
Yes! Take all my friends out. Or go to Bourbon County, Kentucky and get thrown out of every bar they have.
Bourbon County is dry. There are no bars.
Mission accomplished then. See? You don’t need a million bucks to live your dreams.
Would you rather drink with God or the Devil?
God. Because rumor has it this God fellow doesn’t care for shitbaggery, so He ought to get loaded. The Devil’s already done it all.
Best music to drink by?
Flogging Molly. Best drinking anthems ever. Or, if I’m sitting around my house, some mellow jazz.
Why must you drink so much?
It’s not my fault I’m handsome.
What to do when teetering on that fine line between blitzed and totally and irrevocably fucked up?
I don’t remember that line. But probably you should do some shots.
As a participant in the Clash of the Tightest, do you have any advice for prospective entrants?
Don’t show up blacked out. Make sure you puke right after.
You gotta see the Pink Panthers. It’s my scooter club. We get shitfaced and do stunts on our scooters.
Tell us about the gallon of baked beans:
Son of a bitch! I was there. I had it. I could see the bottom of the can, but then the cops showed up and I lost the bet.
Interview and photos by Rich English