“Oh, the
rapturous, wild, and ineffable pleasure of drinking at somebody
else’s
expense.” —Henry Sambrooke Leigh
Does anything taste as sweet as a free drink?
What pricks up the
ears more than mentions of “open bar” and “free
beer?”
Oh, sure, there’s certainly
something fine and noble about drinking booze bought by
the sweat of one’s own brow, though you may detect
a slight salty aftertaste when the tab arrives to plunder
your wallet.
The free drink, on the other
hand, goes down with no aftertaste whatsoever. It gives
all and takes nothing, and is particularly toothsome when
your brow hasn’t perspired for a while and your wallet
has forgotten what money tastes like.
Of course, anything so universally
beloved and in demand will naturally be difficult to come
by. At any given time there are only a certain number of
free drinks loose in the ether, and they don’t necessarily
find their way into the clutches of those who need them
the most. Ironic as it may seem, it’s when you’re
least able to buy your own that the free drink is the most
elusive — it’s hard to earn a buyback when you’re
not buying.
There are ways, however, to
overcome that cruel circumstance and get the gratis booze
flowing in your direction.
First, the obvious tricks:
These are the low-hanging fruit
that can be had with a minimal amount of effort and risk.
Art Gallery Openings
On any given Friday, every city
and town in the nation will play host to these free wine
extravaganzas. Peruse your local free weekly and you’ll
find a gaggle of them lined up like fat geese sitting on
a fence, just begging for you to mow them down.
Be sure to take note of the
opening times, as you’ll want to arrive early — the
stocks tend go fast. Arrive late and you’re likely
to find yourself performing mouth-to-mouth on a long deceased
box of white zinfandel.
You needn’t
feel guilty about guzzling all that free wine (and if you’re
lucky, beer and liquor) just because there isn’t a
highballs’s
chance in hell you’d actually purchase one of the
wall monstrosities that seem to have been specifically designed
to violate your psyche. They don’t really expect you
to. As much as he’d like to make a sale, the
average artist’s ego is such that he’d rather
have 50 broke drunks milling about than a lonely collector
actually looking for something to hang above his mantelpiece.
They’re happy just to have warm bodies taking up space,
and haven’t you always been rather good at that?
As a matter of decorum, you
should feign interest in what’s being displayed. No
matter how bad it is, and it may well be very bad,
resist yelping: “Holy shit! They’re letting retards paint
now? Hell, I could paint this. And if I can do
it, it can’t be art.”
It’s best to just grit
your teeth and murmur, “Well, that’s certainly
interesting,” especially since the retard in question
is most likely the guy pouring the wine.
Pro: Free cheese and crackers
to clear your palate between boxes.
Con: The stocks tend to run out early.
All the box wine in the world may not heal the psychic wounds.
Guilt Factor: None. You’re essentially
a paid extra.
Brewery/Distillery/Winery Tours
This might involve a drive,
so make sure you ask around before you make the trip. Check
if there’s a tour charge (rare in the U.S.) and how
many samples you can expect to receive during and/or after
the tour. Some companies are quite generous with their product,
others will give you a single glass and something to fume
about on the way home.
Pro: If you pay attention, you might
learn something.
Con: Some tours are as exciting as a
field trip to a cardboard box factory.
Guilt Factor: None. They’ve got
plenty to spare.
Beverage Promotions
Belly up to a computer and sign
up for the newsletters of every major liquor, beer and wine
company you can find. Many of them conduct national taste
tours and you’re likely to receive an email invitation
when they roll into town. Note: the more prestigious companies
are far more likely to tour — Mogen David and Popov
don’t get out on the road much.
You’ll have to endure
a bit of propaganda and perhaps a slide show, but if you’re
aggressive they’ll give you as much as you can put
down (within reason).
Pro: The hooch is usually top rate.
Con: You better like their product,
because that’s all you’re going to get. Some
also require semi-formal dress.
Guilt Factor: None. All they want in
return is your word of mouth, and who doesn’t speak
well of free booze?
Unlike the generally democratic
nature of the previous events, these free-booze bashes require
a certain amount stealth and guile.
Business Conference Mixers
Pick up a copy of your city’s
financial magazine or newspaper and you’re likely
to find a directory of upcoming business and industry conferences.
They usually take place in large downtown hotels. When the
conferences get out, the attendees are usually invited to
open-bar mixers that are relatively easy to infiltrate.
You’ll want to wear a business suit and scout ahead,
as some will want to have a look at your name tag or pass.
If that’s the case, you can attempt to bluff it out
(I left it in my hotel room! Please don’t make me
go back up!) or lurk in the hotel lobby until the mixer
gets rolling along — when enough people start coming
and going the security will grow lax. Walk in with a group
and act like you belong there. You’ll find the booze
tastes all the sweeter when you know a fat cat corporation
is picking up the tab.
Pro: Top shelf booze may well be for
the taking.
Con: You might wake up with a new job.
Guilt Factor: None. It’s your
duty to stick it to the Man.
Wedding Receptions
The bigger the wedding, the
better your chance of slipping in unnoticed. The social
section of your local newspaper give you all the information
you need. If the location of the reception isn’t mentioned,
show up at the wedding and follow the crowd. Make sure you
memorize the board announcing the names of the recently
betrothed and stay well away from them. They’re the
only ones who will know you don’t belong there. You
won’t want to do a lot of mingling, as difficult questions
might be posed. The big expensive wedding are more likely
to have a wide open bar, but even the most understated affair
will usually offer free beer and wine. A caveat: ethnically
polarized weddings are difficult to penetrate if you’re
the wrong hue.
Pro: You’ll have
a good chance of hooking up.
Con: You may have to surrender your
dignity to the Chicken Dance.
Guilt Factor: Minimal. How much impact
can one extra mouth have?
Though
it requires special skills and perseverance, done properly
this scam can turn on a ever-flowing spigot of free hooch.
Pose as
an Online Booze Reviewer
Build a slick alcohol review
web site, even if that means making up or stealing a passel
of reviews. Then use email, snail mail and your telephone
to request samples for review. If they ask, lie through
your teeth about how much traffic you receive. You’d
be surprised how many companies, especially the younger
brands trying to make a splash, will send you a full bottle
of their product. Keep it up long enough and you might even
become legit.
Pro: The booze comes to you.
Con: Web skills and some actual work
are required to pull it off.
Guilt Factor: Not much. The follow-up
calls and email inquiring about the status of their upcoming
review might haunt you a tad.
This is a perfectly acceptable
and traditional method of securing free booze, so long as
you convince yourself that you’ll eventually “get
them back in spades.”
The Pop
In
We all have at least one friend
who likes to stay stocked, and isn’t it time you stopped
by for an impromptu inventory inspection? The pop in is
vastly superior to the call ahead because, one,
he might say no, and two, he might hide his inventory. Oh,
he knows you, all right
Give your friend a chance to
offer you a drink, to which you should reply, “Maybe
just one.” This will relax his suspicions and save
him the trouble of stealthily relocating his 12 pack to
the vegetable crisper.
If he doesn’t make the
offer, a casual “You got anything to drink?” should
earn you a starter. After that you’ll have to rely
on your sparkling personality to keep him from announcing
that he has to go take care of some errands he’d forgotten
about, and no, you can’t hang around until he gets
back.
Pro: Mooching off your
friends doesn’t
feel like stealing.
Con: Do it too often and you won’t
have any friends.
Guilt Factor: Minimal. Remember that
time you graciously let him crash on your lawn? He owes you,
man.
The Last Call Con
Drop into your usual haunt near
last call and touch base with a single friend or even a
casual acquaintance who you know has hooch at home. Search
the room for two attractive females, preferably strangers,
then tell your friend, “Hey, I know those two babes.
They love to party. Want me to see if they’ll join
us for some cocktails at your place?”
If he’s drunk and single
enough, he’ll grin and nod like an idiot. Tell
him you’re going to set it all up. Approach the girls
and, if you’re actually that bold, ask them to join
you for drinks. If you’re not that bold, or they say
no, engage them in idle chit-chat for a moment.
Regardless of their response,
rush back to your buddy with the fantastic news: “It’s
all set, dude! I gave them your address and they’re
definitely coming over after they pick up some smokes. The
cute one really digs you, man!”
Once you get to his place, dive
into the booze immediately. Then pretend to wait, drinking
as fast as you can. Say things like, “They were pretty
loaded, I hope they didn’t get in an accident,” and
later, “Those goddamn whores! Toying with our emotions
like that!” After an hour he’ll start getting
upset, but hey, now you’re too drunk to drive home.
Ask if you can crash on his sofa and as soon as he hits
the sack, it’s a wide open bar, baby.
Pro: You get to bond
with your buddy because, “Hey, those bitches dissed both of
us.”
Con: You might have to suffer through
a long, harrowing monologue about how he just can’t
find the right girl.
Guilt Factor: Major. Dude, that was
totally cold.
These are the least honorable
and most dangerous of the free drink gambits. They should
be employed only as a last resort.
Ladies Night Transvestite
Your average city offers free
drinks for the ladies nearly every night of the week, and
it hardly seems fair, does it? Well, you may be interested
to know that a few daring men have chosen to fight back
against this blatant discrimination by bravely exploiting
a little-known loophole in the system: they become ladies
night transvestites. And so can you.
Those interested in maintaining
a shred of dignity and self-respect should opt for a kilt
rather than an actual dress. Many bartenders will be amused
enough to let you take advantage of the system. This tactic
is especially effective in states prohibiting gender preferences
in bars, forcing them to rename their ladies nights as “skirt
nights.” Note: I’m not talking about full drag.
You’re not trying to convince the bartenders you’re
actually a woman, you’re trying to exploit their sense
of the absurd.
Pro: Women are more likely to hit on
a man wearing a kilt or dress.
Con: Men are more likely to hit a man
wearing a kilt or dress.
Guilt Factor: Not much guilt, but lots’a
shame, man, lots’a shame.
Alchemy for Alcoholics
Stop by a busy bar and order
an ice water with a lime (tell the bartender you’re
a designated driver). Stake out a position as far from the
bar as possible and wait until a stranger passes by, then “accidentally” bump
into him and spill your drink. There’s a better than
fair chance he’ll offer to buy you a replacement,
and if he does, tell him you were drinking a vodka or gin
and tonic.
Some caveats: Let him go to
the bar by himself, if you tag along the bartender may get
wise. Make sure your glass is full, people are less willing
to replace a half-finished cocktail. Choose an affable looking
male who’s had a few — women, tough guys and
the sober are much less likely to come through. Spilling
the drink on yourself will double your chances of success.
Don’t act angry, no one wants to buy an asshole a
drink. And finally, realize that scamming drinks off fellow
drunks is considered the lowest and most shameful form of
free-drink foraging.
Pro: The generosity of fellow drunks
may reaffirm your faith in humanity.
Con: Can only be used once per bar per
night, and if you get caught you’ll most likely earn
a permanent 86.
Guilt Factor: Major. Profuse thanks
might help, but not much.
I’m with the Band
Locate a bar or club that hosts
a lot of out-of-town bands and doesn’t know your face.
Check out their schedule, then arrive early in the afternoon
the day a non-indigenous band is scheduled to play. Introduce
yourself as the bass player and take a seat at the bar.
Inform the bartender that the
rest of the boys are taking showers at the hotel and will
be along shortly. If the bartender happens to know the band,
tell him you’re filling in for the bass player because
he broke his hand in a fistfight at the last gig.
If the bartender hasn’t
already poured you a drink by then, politely inquire as
to whether the band has a tab or gets drink tickets. They
most likely will, in which case you should settle in and
drink like a rock star. Just make sure you excuse yourself
to “see what’s taking the guys so long” before
the real band shows up.
Tips for success: Try
to look the part. If you have a musical instrument or even
an empty guitar case, bring it along. If you really want
to play it safe, research the band on the Internet before
you show up, as this will save you the embarrassment of
explaining why you lack the accent and breasts the bass
player of a Finnish all-girl band might be expected to possess.
Pro: If you drink fast
enough you can guzzle all your “band mates” drink
tickets.
Con: Unless you’re a master of
disguise, you can’t go back in that bar for a very
long time.
Guilt Factor: Depends
on what you think of the band. If they suck, well, maybe
they’ll play
better sober. —Frank Kelly Rich
