Crank Mail #1 The Ballad of Badaaaaass Billy Macdowell, Part One

(Part Two)

It started innocently enough. A simple request for a link.

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Add a link

Would you consider my site? http://www.voai.org.

Bill Macdowell Founder: William “Bill” Macdowell

I checked out his site and to my dismay, discovered it be rabidly anti-alcohol.

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link

Consider you site for what? A scathing article? You are the enemy, sir!

Bill's response was swift and a little kooky.

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link

I thought you would get a charge out of the request. "Drunk" being a behavior...you and the rest of your staff need a lot of therapy for putting out a magazine like "Modern Drunkard."

Ah! The Seek Therapy Gambit! I instantly understood that Bill was someone to be reckoned with. I was a little busy, so I lazily fell back on the classic You Remind Me of Hitler Defense.

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link

You need to have a drink and lighten up. I’ll bet you think Winston Churchill and FDR should have went to therapy (both heavy drinkers) while Adolph (a teetotaler such as yourself) was perfectly fine. Good thing people like you weren’t around during WWII, eh, Helmut?

Let me see, is there a place on earth where your policies are in effect? Oh, yeah, the Middle East. You should take a trip there and see what it’s like. You might like it.

Frank

Which served to rile Bill up. He immediately committed to a three-pronged attack, namely: 1) assaulting my assumed religion/ethnicity, 2) launching a potentially devastating boycott of MDM and 3) the brandishing of gruesome photos.

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link

Frank Kelly Rich: Probally a (CIA) Catholic Irish Drunk
1st check my story concerning teetotalers "Bill's Story". I've included some PR for your magazine. Check my site again towards the bottom. I've also sent pages of your porn to the newspapers that gave you space. I hope you appreciate it. I will continue to give you the proper PR you deserve in the future. When one of your loved ones becomes the below, maybe you will think twice about "drunks".
Bill
TO THE PARENTS: ARE YOU A ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR KIDS. HOW MUCH ARE YOU DRINKING? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE DOING? PROBALLY NOT!!
WagonerDenise
Before DUI Crash
After

(I removed the rather gruesome photos of a mutilated woman's face. If you ask him, I'm certain he'd be more than happy to send them to you.)

Very excited about my promised free publicity, I dashed to his website to find this passionate and slightly deranged screed freshly added:

"MODERN DRUNKARD" (FRANK KELLY RICH, EDITOR), IS THE SICKEST OF THE SICKEST XXXXPORN, ANTI-ALCOHOL ACTIVIST MAGAZINES. IT RIDICULES MADD (MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING) HERE'S A PORTION OF AN ARTICLE:
...You know who. It’s those goddamn Mothers. The multi-million dollar corporation known as MADD has done more to erode civil liberties in this country than all the terrorist attacks in the world. And they’re not done. Not by half.
Faced with declining profits and waning public interest, MADD has launched a new campaign called Getting MADD All Over Again. Since they’ve accomplished all their early objectives, what’s on their agenda this time? Plenty. Here's a taste of some of their new goals:...CLICK ABOVE TO READ MORE ABOUT MADD FROM THE DENVER POST
MORE ABOUT MADD: MADD Chapter Founder Arrested
BOYCOTT THIS MAGAZINE!!! IT'S A PERFECT REPRESENTATION FOR THE ALCOHOL BEVERAGE INDUSTRY TO COVERTLY PROMOTE, SUPPORT AND SUBSIDIZE THIS RAG TO HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE STUDENTS. PORN SELLS AND THE ABI KNOWS IT!!!

That’s right, motherfuckers! I am the King of the Sickest of the Sickest XXXXporn! All pretenders must doff their fake XXXXporn crowns to me!

It’s kind of funny that he’s asking fanatical AAers to boycott a magazine called Modern Drunkard. It’s like telling lesbians to forgo Playgirl. Billy boy, If they’re reading the mag, they’re most likely already lost to you.

Invigorated, I responded with the Medical Science Says You're a Filthy Murderer Ploy.

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link

Hey Pal, 87% of fatal crashes are caused by sober drivers. Would you like some pictures sent your way? How about pictures of the half a million heart attacks that occur each year that could have been prevented by moderate drinking? How many innocents must die before you realize your wrong-headed propaganda is slaying thousands? Live with the fact you’re going to kill ten times more than you’ll save.

Frank

When I got the next email I knew it was in for a real brawl. Bill was obviously not one of your run-of-the-mill cranks. Bill is a Super Duper Proactive Crank. With power-ups!

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link

Corrections: Made some changes to my PR for you. CIA- Catholic Irish Alcoholic (not drunk). FDR and Winston Churchill both needed therapy. So does this President.
QUESTION:
1- WHAT TWO (2) AMERICAN PRESIDENTS, AND A GOVERNOR, HAVE AS A SON IN LAW, AND BROTHER IN LAW, A TOP LOBBYIST AND CEO/PRESIDENT FOR MANUFACTURER'S OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION?
2- WHICH PRESIDENT, ALLEGEDLY AN ALCOHOLIC, HAS AN "EGO" PROBLEM? ONE MAJOR SOLUTION TO ALCOHOL ADDICTION IS "EGO DEFLATION AT DEPTH."
ANSWER: REVIEW CONTENTS OF "GOD'S LINCHPIN"

Here's a kick in the ass for you Frank. I was in the Middle East. Saudi Arabia. Drunk as a skunk for the first time. Sober the 2nd time. I've l;ived and worked in SA, Israel, and Spain. Also traveled extensively throughout all of the Middle East. Read Founder: William “Bill” Macdowell.

If your magazine was in your possession and the arabs found it...prison for you. In fact I'm going to send an e-mail to all arab media with your name and name of your magazine. If I were you I wouldn't be thinking of a trip to the Middle East soon.

I also saw a head come off and two hands chopped off in Riyadh SA. They call it "chop square."

My 1st wife's father died of alcoholism and so did my present wife die of same. Some day you and your cronies will show up in the obituaries.

Actually, for the most part, your drunks and staff (?) have had Mary Poppins lives compared to ours...the sober ones.

I'm also going to send a message to all the ABI manufactures about your mag. They should get a kick out of it and their interest in it.

Think your the only one who knows how to play the game mental gymnastics? Think again pard. And yes, I represented one the largest electrical construction companys in Denver (Sturgeon Electric). Know the place well.
Let's keep in touch...like pen pals. Unlike MADD, I love confrontation! By the way Frank, I don't think much of MADD either. Click The Founder of MADD uses and capitalizes with her daughter's death by a drunk driver and takes $180,000 from Anheuser-Busch for personal gain and fame
Bill

Womp! My entire lifestyle was under dire assault! I had to counterattack quickly or all would be lost. I sent his email back accompanied with pithy comments.

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Sent: Saturday, January 03, 2004 6:36 PM
Subject: RE: Add a link

Corrections: Made some changes to my PR for you. CIA- Catholic Irish Alcoholic (not drunk). FDR and Winston Churchill both needed therapy. So does this President.
If it was up to people like you, we’d be speaking German right now. And what’s with all the anti-Irish anti-Catholic remarks? Why are you cranks always bigoted?

QUESTION:
1- WHAT TWO (2) AMERICAN PRESIDENTS, AND A GOVERNOR, HAVE AS A SON IN LAW, AND BROTHER IN LAW, A TOP LOBBYIST AND CEO/PRESIDENT FOR MANUFACTURER'S OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION?
2- WHICH PRESIDENT, ALLEGEDLY AN ALCOHOLIC, HAS AN "EGO" PROBLEM? ONE MAJOR SOLUTION TO ALCOHOL ADDICTION IS "EGO DEFLATION AT DEPTH."
ANSWER: REVIEW CONTENTS OF "GOD'S LINCHPIN"
You think I have time for your goddamn quizzes? I’m a busy man. I have booze to drink.

Here's a kick in the ass for you Frank. I was in the Middle East. Saudi Arabia. Drunk as a skunk for the first time. Sober the 2nd time. I've l;ived and worked in SA, Israel, and Spain. Also traveled extensively throughout all of the Middle East. Read Founder: William “Bill” Macdowell.

If your magazine was in your possession and the arabs found it...prison for you. In fact I'm going to send an e-mail to all arab media with your name and name of your magazine. If I were you I wouldn't be thinking of a trip to the Middle East soon.
I also saw a head come off and two hands chopped off in Riyadh SA. They call it "chop square."
That’s why I live in America. I was saying, YOU should move to the Middle East. I’m sure they love you there. And I hear Osama is hiring. See, that’s the difference. You could join his organization. I can’t (the booze thing).

My 1st wife's father died of alcoholism and so did my present wife die of same. Some day you and your cronies will show up in the obituaries.
Guess what? So will you. Before us. Churchill lived to be 90. Think you’ll live that long? You teetotalers always die first. Even hard drinkers outlive teetotalers. Moderate drinkers will outlive you by 3 to 10 years. Years you want to take away from them. Why Bill?

Actually, for the most part, your drunks and staff (?) have had Mary Poppins lives compared to ours...the sober ones.
How the hell would you know that? What are you and your staff (?) doing that’s so tough? Forcing down a hundred donuts a day? Some day you’re going to be in the obituaries, you know.

I'm also going to send a message to all the ABI manufactures about your mag. They should get a kick out of it and their interest in it.
I’ll print our exchange in the magazine and on the website. I’m sure your Catholic and Irish members (?) will get a kick out your cheap prejudices.

Think your the only one who knows how to play the game mental gymnastics? Think again pard. And yes, I represented one the largest electrical construction companys in Denver (Sturgeon Electric). Know the place well.
You need to get back in the gym. Woo-hoo! You lived in Denver. You want a medal or something?

Let's keep in touch...like pen pals. Unlike MADD, I love confrontation! By the way Frank, I don't think much of MADD either. Click The Founder of MADD uses and capitalizes with her daughter's death by a drunk driver and takes $180,000 from Anheuser-Busch for personal gain and fame
The founder of MADD, Candy Lightner, had turned against the organization and people like you because you’re wrong-headed anti-freedom fanatics.

Stay in touch!

Frank

After I sent that, I felt a little dirty. I'd let him get my goat. He was using his wiles to drag me into his cruel pit. I resolved to behave in a more professional fashion. Sorta.

Bill, on the other hand, rolled out the clever I Happen to Know Some of The People I'm Prejudiced Against So I Can't Be Prejudiced Maneuver.

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link

The Irish AAs call themselves CIAs and they are proud that drunkards are a product of the Irish disease. Personally most people in AA dislike titles and wish they would stop bragging about the Irish being the lushes that they are. My present wife and 1st wife are both Irish Catholics. I happen to be a born Protestant, Norwegian and Scot. I love the Irish. My seven children are part Irish. They are proud to be Irish. But it's micks like you that make the Irish ashamed to be Irish. Your from the bottom of the barrel like the drunks you portray on your site.You know Frank, I have probally spilled more in my drinking years than you have drunk in your life. Like I said, you probally have led a Mary Poppins life, never served our country, haven't seen the inside of prison, been in the various nut houses, lost a family, had DUI/DWIs, and any of the good stuff we in AA have experienced. In fact, you are a pretty sick cat that needs mucho therapy, long term therapy at that. Maybe I can help you. Did you notice that I'm a counselor also?

Yes, I did notice Bill was a counselor. Still, I couldn't resist getting back in the pit with this masterful mental gymnist.

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link

The Irish AAs call themselves CIAs and they are proud that drunkards are a product of the Irish disease.
Irish disease? Which disease would you be talking about, Bill?

Personally most people in AA dislike titles and wish they would stop bragging about the Irish being the lushes that they are. My present wife and 1st wife are both Irish Catholics. I happen to be a born Protestant, Norwegian and Scot. I love the Irish. My seven children are part Irish. They are proud to be Irish. But it's micks like you that make the Irish ashamed to be Irish.
Why the devil do you think I’m Irish? Because I drink? Do you really think the Irish are the only ones who drink? You seem to live in nasty little world of swirling stereotypes.

Your from the bottom of the barrel like the drunks you portray on your site.
Oh, you mean drunks like, FDR, Churchill, Sinatra, Gleason, JFK, Hemingway, Faulkner—in fact almost every great writer, artist, Captain of industry and statesman. Every mover and shaker in society was a drunk. Except Hitler. He was a teetotaler like you.

You know Frank, I have probally spilled more in my drinking years than you have drunk in your life.
That is a lie. Every one of you failed drunks likes to say that. You guys can’t hold your liquor. That’s why you keep spilling it. See, your supposed to drink it.

Like I said, you probally have led a Mary Poppins life, never served our country, haven't seen the inside of prison, been in the various nut houses, lost a family, had DUI/DWIs, and any of the good stuff we in AA have experienced.
I served as an Army Ranger in Grenada. Half the staff are veterans. I’ve never had a DUI because I’m not dumb enough to get drunk and drive. I’ve never been to prison because I’m not a criminal. Is being a criminal a badge of honor among your gang? Sad, Bill, just sad.

In fact, you are a pretty sick cat that needs mucho therapy, long term therapy at that. Maybe I can help you. Did you notice that I'm a counselor also?
Therapy, that’s all you poor bastards understand. You remind me of Oprah: Seek therapy! That’ll solve your problems! Bullshit. You seem to think you need therapy and maybe it’s a good thing you’re getting it. But why must you drag the rest of us into your miserable pit of self-loathing? We’re happy and healthy cornerstones of society. And maybe, someday you will be to. Though I’m not betting on it.

Best,

Frank

Bill's swift reply seemed aimed at my idea that drunks can be cornerstones of society.

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link

Being drunks!

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link

Yes! I’m drunk right now! And it’s excellent!

Hey, I have an idea, Bill. Let us interview you. It’ll be great. I’m concerned some of our readers might be, well, uncertain about their standing in the world of drunks. Maybe your sage advice could give them, you know, a way out. We could do it tomorrow via the internet or over the phone. What say you, Bill?

Regards,
Frank

It was going to be fantastic. If I could get this guy on the phone I would be in possession of one of the greatest comedy events of the new century. Please, Bill, please say--

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link

Frank:
I just don't trust a drunk. You can print any of my e-mails as long as you print yours. No hard feelings Frank. Why don't you buy my book? It's only twelve bucks and you can print anything you want on your site as long as I get the credits. Remember, I have given you some free advertising which should bring you many $$$.
Bill

Nooooooooo!

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link

I just don't trust a drunk.
That’s kind of funny, because John Wayne used to same the same thing about you guys. “Never trust a man who doesn’t drink,” he would say. Mr Crumley put it even better, he said:

"Son," he said without preamble, "never trust a man who doesn't drink because he's probably a self-righteous sort, a man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time. Some of them are good men, but in the name of goodness, they cause most of the suffering in the world. They're the judges, the meddlers. And, son, never trust a man who drinks but refuses to get drunk. They're usually afraid of something deep down inside, either that they're a coward or a fool or mean and violent. You can't trust a man who's afraid of himself. But sometimes, son, you can trust a man who occasionally kneels before a toilet. The chances are that he is learning something about humility and his natural human foolishness, about how to survive himself. It's damned hard for a man to take himself too seriously when he's heaving his guts into a dirty toilet bowl."

Anyhoo, it’s a shame you won’t do the interview. I do admit I was being a little disingenuous. While I did want you to reach out to the borderline drunks in our ranks, it was only so we could identify and root out the traitors. And you know what happens to traitors, eh Bill? Also, I was hoping you would force your members (?) to read the article, and we’d reach out to a few of them, if you know what I mean. I see those guys around sometimes, and a lot of them seem right on the edge of slipping over the edge. And you know the edge I’m talking about, Bill. The one that overlooks a big huge lake of booze.

Hey, you’re not afraid to do interview because you think I’d try to use some sort of creepy mind control tricks to make you start drinking again, are you? Because I am a professional journalist and would not stoop to that kind of behavior. Least not right off the bat. First we’d get all chummy and I’d pitch you some nice slow soft balls, then I’d start saying stuff like, “Hey, wouldn’t a nice gin and tonic taste pretty good right now?” Then later I’d slip in, “Man, that was a crazy good answer, Bill! Let’s have a jolt of Jack to celebrate!” Do you think that would work? Because I like you Bill, and I want you back on the team. Think of all the crazy drunken times we would have! Woo-hoo!

You can print any of my e-mails as long as you print yours.
I will do that. Thank you, Bill.

No hard feelings Frank.
Me neither! Let’s have a drink to celebrate!

Why don't you buy my book?
Can I pay you in liquor? Because that seems to be what all my money keeps turning into.

It's only twelve bucks and you can print anything you want on your site as long as I get the credits.
You will get mad credits, holmes.

Remember, I have given you some free advertising which should bring you many $$$.
Seriously? That would be awesome! If you could see our bar tabs, you would know how excited I am right now. Only, I thought the five guys who visit your site don’t drink. Are they going to give me $$$ anyway? Because that would be awesome! How about a splash of scotch to celebrate?

Regards,

Frank

This is when Bill stopped emailing me. I desperately tried to jumpstart our relationship:

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link

I thought we were going to be pen pals. You promised.

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link

Bill, are you really God’s Lynchpin? Because I talked to God today (he was at the bottom of fifth of Jack Daniels as usual, the crazy guy!) and he says he’s never heard of you. Bill?

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link

Come on, Bill! I’ve downed another Jack rocks and I’m raring for some more mental gymnastics! Are you afraid of the Most Excellent Sickest of the Sickest XXXXporn King? Let’s rassle!

Regards,
Frank

UPDATE: After a long, depressing wait, Bill emailed me back. My pleas and pathos saved our relationship! Unfortunately, he tried to use his powerful mind-control tricks on me.

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link

Here's what we can do. You say your a professional journalist (?). OK, I'll give that. Let's see if we can get a juicy story going. 1st; read my story "Bill's Story". That's a start for an interview. 2nd; Get something out of this Founder: William “Bill” Macdowell. Both are about a wild and wooly guy who thinks he's Don Quixote fencing with windmills, and then there's the other Bill who thinks he can take on an army single handed (the ABI), a real David and Goliath scenario.

Here's where you may salivate. All the drunks that have been incarcerated for one crime or another. These guys and gals are your people. UNFAIR!!! Who's responsible? Sure, it's the ABI who manufactures the nector of the gods you so much love and enjoy. Actually booze is your best friend and lover who takes all your fears and all the other crap that gets under a guy/gals skin. Makes you John Wayne, the lover of lovers, king kong, and if, just if, you have low self esteem, it all goes away with a single gulp.

Let's go after the ABI who lurks in the dark when an alcohol related crime is committed, never the blame, always the "drunk" you so love and respect. They should PAY and PAY and PAY for all your friends troubles.
Remember, if you don't put gas in the car it won't go. If the ABI didn't make the booze that your buddies drink, they wouldn't get into an alcohol related problem. Your drunks have taken a bad rap. Right?

How about the administration and the judiciary? Aren't they to blame for the drunks incarceration because of the law of the land? Read the Constitution, Amendments 1 & 14. It's all on my site. Not only would you be the champion of the underdog, there's criminality involved. Manslaughter, coverup and criminal negligence. You could be a hero to both the active drunk and the victims because there's a legal term..."they knew or should have known." Should the drunk be adhering to the legal saying, or should the ABI,administration along with the judiciary.

Let's contact the incarcerated to get them to talk to their attorneys and put the blame on mame boy...the above mentioned culprits. If this story breaks, all five of my guys may get hep, and try the same thing. So we forget guys like me with 25 years of sobriety attending AA meetings in Protestant basements, and concentrate on the incarcerated, still drinking establishment of your peers.

Does this type of story intrigue you just a bit? Remember, all the things and more I mentioned in a past e-mail, I've done in spades. Nobody gave a shit about this drunk (which is a behavior). I ended up on the Bowery of N.Y. in a $2.00/night "chicken coop", almost killing another drunk because he tried to clip me for a few bucks.

By the way, here's a MADD clip for you. Maybe you would like to include it with the other MADD stories. It's legit and factual. http://www.voai.org/candylightnermadd.htm ***MORE ABOUT MADD: MADD Chapter Founder Arrested

That's enough for tonight. Going for a stress test tomorrow. Need to get some shut eye. Think about it Frank. We can always jerk the story around to benefit both of us.

Bill

This was a very exciting development! Why squabble like children when we could link arms against a common enemy? The only question was, who was the enemy? The shadow-stalking ABI? The dastardly MADD? The Union of Hispanic Secretaries? Who? I had to know.

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link

Here's what we can do. You say your a professional journalist (?).
Your (?)s seem cruel and insinuating to me, sir. Please stop it.

OK, I'll give that.
Thank you!

Let's see if we can get a juicy story going. 1st; read my story "Bill's Story". That's a start for an interview. 2nd; Get something out of this Founder: William “Bill” Macdowell. Both are about a wild and wooly guy who thinks he's Don Quixote fencing with windmills, and then there's the other Bill who thinks he can take on an army single handed (the ABI), a real David and Goliath scenario.
Read them! Juicy! Wild and wooly indeed! And I can identify. I once went 13 YEARS without drinking. Then I hit high school and it was all kinda downhill from there.

Here's where you may salivate.
Sir! What sort of cretin do you think I am? I only salivate over scotch. Good scotch.

All the drunks that have been incarcerated for one crime or another. These guys and gals are your people.
Wait a minute. I thought you were the one who’s been in prison. Aren’t they your people too? You may even know some of them!

UNFAIR!!! Who's responsible? Sure, it's the ABI who manufactures the nector of the gods you so much love and enjoy.
Bill, the American Beverage Institute doesn’t make liquor! Nor does the NRA make guns. They just defend the God-Given right to enjoy both. Ever go shooting when you’re loaded, Bill? It’s a blast!

Actually booze is your best friend and lover who takes all your fears and all the other crap that gets under a guy/gals skin. Makes you John Wayne, the lover of lovers, king kong, and if, just if, you have low self esteem, it all goes away with a single gulp.
Yes, yes and yes! Preach on Brother Bill!

Let's go after the ABI who lurks in the dark when an alcohol related crime is committed, never the blame, always the "drunk" you so love and respect. They should PAY and PAY and PAY for all your friends troubles.

Remember, if you don't put gas in the car it won't go. If the ABI didn't make the booze that your buddies drink, they wouldn't get into an alcohol related problem. Your drunks have taken a bad rap. Right?
Damn it, Bill, I already told you the ABI doesn’t make booze. What’s more, they’re our bestest pals. We ride on their shoulders like a crazy monkey, winging empties at MADD!

How about the administration and the judiciary? Aren't they to blame for the drunks incarceration because of the law of the land? Read the Constitution, Amendments 1 & 14. It's all on my site. Not only would you be the champion of the underdog, there's criminality involved. Manslaughter, coverup and criminal negligence. You could be a hero to both the active drunk and the victims because there's a legal term..."they knew or should have known." Should the drunk be adhering to the legal saying, or should the ABI,administration along with the judiciary.
Sure! Then once we get rid of the booze, we’ll---Wait a minute. Are trying to trick me into attacking my friends? That’s not very nice, Bill.

Let's contact the incarcerated to get them to talk to their attorneys and put the blame on mame boy...the above mentioned culprits. If this story breaks, all five of my guys may get hep, and try the same thing. So we forget guys like me with 25 years of sobriety attending AA meetings in Protestant basements, and concentrate on the incarcerated, still drinking establishment of your peers.
Wait a minute, Bill, if we’re talking about rapists and murderers and trespassers and stuff, we don’t want to help them. They’re bad people. They can just stay in jail and drink that awful pruno stuff (Have you tried pruno, Bill? Awful stuff! But pretty good if it’s all you’ve got, eh Bill?)

Does this type of story intrigue you just a bit? Remember, all the things and more I mentioned in a past e-mail, I've done in spades. Nobody gave a shit about this drunk (which is a behavior). I ended up on the Bowery of N.Y. in a $2.00/night "chicken coop", almost killing another drunk because he tried to clip me for a few bucks.
You were in the Bowery? That’s so old school. You’re what we call around here a Retro Drunkard. Did you drink Sterno and get the DTs and see bats coming out of the walls like in The Lost Weekend? That would be so cool. Because I like bats. Especially the one on the bottles of Bacardi. I think he’s a good bat.

By the way, here's a MADD clip for you. Maybe you would like to include it with the other MADD stories. It's legit and factual. http://www.voai.org/candylightnermadd.htm ***MORE ABOUT MADD: MADD Chapter Founder Arrested
That Candy. She so craaaazy!

That's enough for tonight. Going for a stress test tomorrow. Need to get some shut eye. Think about it Frank. We can always jerk the story around to benefit both of us.
You’ve got some good ideas here, Bill. And I think an interview would be the perfect place to discuss them. We must do this! We must unite against MADD! We can win! Email me and we’ll set up the interview. It’s going to be awesome!

Regards,

Frank

And just when I thought Bill had drawn the last brilliant pail of wisdom from the well, he comes up with yet another dynamite idea.

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link

Last thought of the day. Go to VEHICULAR ACCIDENTS DUE TO ALCOHOL/DWI/DUI ATTORNEYS. Scroll down to Bromstrup kid. Is this kid a drunk in your eyes? Or is he a victim of a rediculous law. Forget the girls who died and the girl who was injured for a moment. Now read this FACTS AND INFORMATION FROM INSIDE THE COURTROOM.

When you think of a person in AA or myself who is an activist, do you see temperance movement and/or prohibitionists? If you think one or the other...you are mistaken. We are people who were sick and tired of the lives we led and wanted a breather. I go to parties where there's plenty of drinking going on. Do I care if some guy gets plastered and passes out or pukes (as long as it's not on me). Shit no! Drinking is here to stay. The 87% of sober drivers is correct (? don't know if your figures are correct). But of those so called sober drivers there are some who have had a few before they got in the car. The kid above is an example. He's not a drunk or is he alcoholic. He registered .04 on the richter scale. 08, as you know is legally drunk.

This is a mind bender for you I know. If you want to drink, so be it. You like to get drunk, so be it. We in AA, much to your concepts of us, "live and let live."

As a professional journalist, wanting a dynamite story, I would say this could be it.

Bill

We love dynamite stories at MDM. I mean, we practically salivate over them. Especially when they come from hep dudes like Bill. As I shall demonstrate.

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link

Last thought of the day. Go to VEHICULAR ACCIDENTS DUE TO ALCOHOL/DWI/DUI ATTORNEYS. Scroll down to Bromstrup kid. Is this kid a drunk in your eyes? Or is he a victim of a rediculous law. Forget the girls who died and the girl who was injured for a moment. Now read this FACTS AND INFORMATION FROM INSIDE THE COURTROOM.
He did a bad thing, Bill. But shouldn't we sue the cell phone companies for causing fatal accidents too? Because studies say that talking on the phone while driving is more dangerous than driving legally drunk. Do you talk on the cell phone while driving, Bill? Because if you do I may sue you. And the people you represent, like AA. And cassette tape manufacturers! Because, believe me, every time I drop a cassette on the floor and start pawing around for it under the seat for it, I’m dangerous as hell. I smell a big payday, Bill!

When you think of a person in AA or myself who is an activist, do you see temperance movement and/or prohibitionists?
Yes!

If you think one or the other...you are mistaken. We are people who were sick and tired of the lives we led and wanted a breather. I go to parties where there's plenty of drinking going on. Do I care if some guy gets plastered and passes out or pukes (as long as it's not on me). Shit no! Drinking is here to stay.
Right on, Bill! I knew you were cool. Well, sorta cool. We’ll say Laid Back Shop Teacher Cool.

The 87% of sober drivers is correct (? don't know if your figures are correct).
It is! Once you factor out all the alcohol-related nonsense. You know, a sober driver crashes into another sober driver and he runs over a pedestrian who just drank a beer and they call it alcohol related. It’s not fair, Bill. Not fair.

But of those so called sober drivers there are some who have had a few before they got in the car. The kid above is an example. He's not a drunk or is he alcoholic. He registered .04 on the richter scale. 08, as you know is legally drunk.
No! They are all stone sober. If there was any measurable amount of alcohol in their system they call it alcohol-related. Not fair! Now, Bill, as far as the kid, we’re misconstruing cause and effect. Just because he had a little alcohol in his system doesn’t mean that’s what caused the accident. I personally think he got in that accident because he was bald.

This is a mind bender for you I know. If you want to drink, so be it. You like to get drunk, so be it. We in AA, much to your concepts of us, "live and let live."
Yes! That’s why we don’t get worked up about AA like we do MADD. Though I’m kinda wondering about you, Bill. You seem a little aggressive. I mean, you say I am the King Sickest of the SickestXXXXporn on your web site! That’s four Xs, Bill! And we don’t even have porn on the site so I must be eXXXXtra special evil! Though I have to admit, I’m starting to dig the title a little. I mean, what an icebreaker!

As a professional journalist, wanting a dynamite story, I would say this could be it.
Uh, which would be the story? Baldness causing accidents? Got to be honest with you, Bill: I think if we run that whopper up the flagpole no one’s going to salute it. I mean, I know lots of bald people and they drive fine. Seriously.

Looking forward to the interview!

Frank

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link

Hey Bill!

How’s it going? How’d the stress test go? I went through my own stress taste last night. Two bottles of stress if you know what I mean.

Anyhoo, I was wondering if you were considering the interview. We must do this, Bill. Must.

Drop me a line,

Frank

And just when I thought I'd lost him, Bill comes back and makes me feel like a right bastard. Sorta.

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link

Might be good news Frank. I'll find out next week when I see my doctor. Thanks for your concern. Can you e-mail some of your thoughts and questions pertaining to an online interview? You answered my e-mail with a negative tone about my thoughts. I thought our affair was over. I was very distraught and depressed at my stress test. I thought I would be going in for open heart surgery the way my heart was pumping at the thought of our breakup and those e-mails i received from your "drunks." If you print anything about my organization or me would you let me know? By the way, did I tell you I was going on 74. Wow! You really know how to hurt an old guy.

Bill

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link

Hey Bill:

Bejesus! I didn’t realize you were an old guy, Bill! By the photo on your website I thought you were a strapping lad of fifty. You kind of look like the guy from Adam-12, that old police show. Do remember that show? 74! Wow! That’s crazy. If you can stick it out 16 more years you will have lived as long as that old reprobate Churchill! Just think how much longer he would have lived he’d gotten some therapy!

I wasn’t trying to be negative in the emails, Bill. It’s just that I was kinda drunk and feeling a little goofy. And believe you me, I too was concerned about our potential breakup. I think we can form a very powerful alliance, Bill. We’ll assail MADD from both sides, then we turn the attack against the booze, though we’d be attacking it in our own special ways. Attacking from the internet may work for you, but me, I like to get down in the trenches with the stuff. I mean, face to face with those goddamn bottles, that’s how I like to do it. I’m kooky like that. Rest assured, Bill, I’m going to kill at least a couple of them tonight.

Sorry if the “drunks” are sending you emails. I hope they’re nice at least. I admit I directed some of our readers to your web site, but only so they could revel in my new status as the Sickest of the Sickest XXXXporn King. I’m getting a lot of play out of that title, Bill! You’ve given me a leg up in the XXXX community, and I thank you for your fine endorsement.

Don’t fret about the interview. It’s going to be a blast. We’ll talk about MADD and your old crazy drinking days in the Bowery and how you’re going to take those bastards at ABI to the mat. Do you know that they won’t talk to us? Why, I think they view us as savages. Loose cannons on their tidy ship. I mean, they’re only giving us a hundred grand a year to promote drinking in high schools and that’s barely enough to keep the office bar stocked! I bet if we come down on them hard they’ll cough up some extra cash.

All we have to do is set up a time and method. Do you have AIM on your computer, or Microsoft Messenger? I’m wide open tomorrow. Let me know and we’ll get it rolling.

Hope you’re feeling better,

Frank

(Part Two)