The Battle for the Bars
Sweet mother of Jesus, these are difficult
times for drunks. Every time I turn on the TV, some
new treachery shoots down the
pike. First the police in Texas, working hand-in-hand
with MADD, raid bars across the state and arrest over
1700 citizens for, yes, being drunk in a bar.
Thankfully, they have since suspended the program, probably because the tourist
board thought that, hey, arresting tourists in hotel bars for drinking might
drive away some trade. Nevertheless, they have promised to crank it back up,
once the outrage dies down.
Then comes a report that towns across
the country, prodded by MADD, are looking to get rid
of Happy Hour and force bars to close earlier, much
as they're doing all across Europe.
Finally, and closer to home, a gang of treacherous
nanny-staters, Republicans and Democrats alike, ramrodded
a smoking ban through the Colorado Statehouse, banning smoking from nearly every
public building, including bars, private clubs and even VFW halls. Casinos were
spared the ban, and why not? They have a well-funded lobby. The mom-and-pop bars,
who can’t
afford to bribe politicians, never mind build smoking
patios, will bear the brunt of the smoker’s exodus that tends to follow.
It happens in every state that passes a ban—the dives and just-getting-by
bars go under and are taken over by goddamn yuppies
who can afford to make the improvements. And suddenly
half the bars resemble Starbucks with taps.
Now, I know there are some drinkers out there who welcome
the smoking ban. Second-hand smoke is smelly and dangerous,
after all (though I have to point out that the EPA mangled its standards
and cherry picked their data for that report), but they’re missing
the point. Bars are supposed to
be a little dangerous (and smelly for that matter).
It’s part of their
charm.
The Great American Bar is—or was—the last
place you could indulge in the legal vices, a
sanctuary from the smothering rules of an ever more
restrictive society. Presently it is under siege. The
nanny-staters and the government have got their feet
in the door and are presently sniffing around for other
things they consider dangerous. Like drinking.
If the raids in Texas weren’t enough to convince
you, consider this—The European Union is about
to release a report condemning and suggesting action
against “passive drinking.” Because, you
know, once you drink that beer you’re a menace
to society, a walking time bomb.
The way things are going, in ten
years our bars will resemble sterile hospital waiting
rooms, where they’ll
serve you one 3.2 beer in a Dixie cup then call the
cops.
Unless, of course, we start standing
up for what’s
ours. And what’s more ours than our bars?
—Frank
Kelly Rich
